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Many physicians recommend moderating beer consumption for optimum health. To what extend do you agree or disagree ?

Many physicians recommend moderating beer consumption for optimum health. oxwQ9
For long time, many people held beer was an only beneficial drink for taste and no worries had to be made about it. However an awareness has rosen nowadays and I strongly agreed with the scientists' opinion to moderate it for health reasons. First, beer is an alcohol beverage which means a danger for health. It has been proved that alcohol can cause a lot of damages to people. Scientific research has pointed out that alcohol drinks such as beer have real side effects on the brain cells and tend to destroy them. People on alcohol tend to have a different way of behaving than without. For instance they would more likely act violent or act with idiocy. Consumption of this type of drinks have to be moderate and this is applying to beer. Furthermore, beer is tricky because it is refreshing and not highly composed of alcohol. It is seen as a soda or even like water by certain persons. That's why people do not feel concerned about health problem that beer drinking can occurred, especially students at theirs parties where beer is omnipresent. As the other alcohol-composed beverages, it has been claimed that beer can be highly addictive and a feeling of lack can quickly develop. Therefore, an optimum health can surely not been associated with addiction. To conclude, in my opinion drinking a beer time to time is not wrong but it has to be moderated for people in order to be healthy and not to become an everyday habit.
For long time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
held beer was an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
beneficial drink for taste and no worries had to
be made
about it.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
an awareness has
Possible spelling mistake found.
rosen
nowadays and I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
with the scientists' opinion to moderate it for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
reasons.

First
, beer is an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
beverage which means a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. It has
been proved
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
can cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
damages to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Scientific research has pointed out that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
drinks such as beer have real side effects on the brain cells and tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
tend to have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
way of behaving than without. For
The comma is probably missing here: "instance, they".
instance they
would more likely act violent or act with idiocy. Consumption of this type of drinks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be moderate and this is applying to beer.

Furthermore
, beer is tricky
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is refreshing and not
highly
composed of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as a soda or even like water by certain persons. That's why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not feel concerned about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problem that beer drinking can occurred,
especially
students at theirs parties where beer is omnipresent. As the other alcohol-composed beverages, it has
been claimed
that beer can be
highly
addictive and a feeling of lack can
quickly
develop.
Therefore
, an optimum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
can
surely
not
been associated
with addiction.

To conclude
, in my opinion drinking a beer time to time is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be moderated
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in order to be healthy and not to become an everyday habit.

IELTS essay Many physicians recommend moderating beer consumption for optimum health.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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