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Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? v.15

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? v. 15
It goes without saying that in this contemporary era, everyone is busy to earn bread and butter for his family. Therefore, they have very less amount of time for devoting to the hobbies and extracurricular activities. As far as I am concerned, I think that this approach has more negatives than positives which will be explicated in the paragraphs to come. To inaugurate with, surge in depression and stress is the prominent reason, as the people work round the clock even sometimes they do not have time to take a rest, which results in increasing stress among them. Resultantly, they reel under many mental males. For an instance, a survey was conducted by the world health organisation which has revealed that the masses, who do multi career jobs, are more likely to fall victim of mental illnesses. Another associated reason is an adverse effect on productivity. To elaborate it, the individuals who work for maximum hours in a day, it becomes difficult for them to pursue their hobbies. Consequently, it emerges the sense of apathy among them towards their duty and poor outcome is it's result. Furthermore, family bonding can be worsened, since workaholic people remain busy in their work and they do not have time to spend with their family members. Resultantly, there is less conversation among members of a family which can be the paramount reason of dissolution and disintegration of a family. However, the sole merit of working for long hours is that masses can survive in the inflation era by working more and more and earn accordingly. It is immensely beneficial to accomplish their materialistic desires. From the aforementioned view, even though, there is an advantage of working for maximum hours. Looking beyond the tabloids, however, It is conspicuous that the demerits of this approach overshadow the merit.
It goes without saying that in this contemporary era, everyone is busy to earn bread and butter for his
family
.
Therefore
, they have
very
less amount of time for devoting to the hobbies and extracurricular activities. As far as I
am concerned
, I
think
that this approach has more negatives than positives which will
be explicated
in the paragraphs to
come
.

To inaugurate with, surge in depression and
stress
is the prominent reason, as the
people
work round the clock even
sometimes
they do not have time to take a rest, which results in increasing
stress
among them.
Resultantly
, they reel under
many
mental males. For an instance, a survey
was conducted
by the world health
organisation
which has revealed that the masses, who do multi career jobs, are more likely to fall victim of mental illnesses. Another associated reason is an adverse effect on productivity. To elaborate it, the individuals who work for maximum hours in a day, it becomes difficult for them to pursue their hobbies.
Consequently
, it emerges the sense of apathy among them towards their duty and poor outcome is
it's
result.

Furthermore
,
family
bonding can
be worsened
, since workaholic
people
remain busy in their
work and
they do not have time to spend with their
family
members.
Resultantly
, there is less conversation among members of a
family
which can be the paramount reason of dissolution and disintegration of a
family
.
However
, the sole merit of working for long hours is that masses can survive in the inflation era by working more and more and earn
accordingly
. It is
immensely
beneficial to accomplish their materialistic desires.

From the aforementioned view,
even though
, there is an advantage of working for maximum hours. Looking beyond the tabloids,
however
, It is conspicuous that the demerits of this approach overshadow the merit.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? v. 15

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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