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MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT MORE MONEY WILL MAKE THEM HAPPIER< HOW IMPORTANT IS MONEY FOR HAPPINESS?

MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT MORE MONEY WILL MAKE THEM HAPPIER< HOW IMPORTANT IS MONEY FOR HAPPINESS? RwRRp
Seeking for happiness, some individuals try to earn more money, hoping to reach the summit of happiness. As a matter of fact, money is necessary but not sufficient to make people enjoy their lives. Firstly, without any doubt, a life without money could be very hard and would be along with misery. Consider a family which cannot afford its living costs, how they could feel happy? Their life would be full of tension and stress. In addition, having so much to splash money out on expensive items could boost one's sense of pleasure and joy. For instance, going to a luxurious hotel, eating delicious food, buying brand new cellphones, all, can be along with a positive emotion at least for a short term. Furtheremore, even for who are not materialistic and just care about humanity, being enough rich to help the poor, fulfill their spritual needs and make them more satisfied and content. Hence having money is a minimum necessity to be happy. On the other hand, there are more factors in our lives without which we barely feel happy. To elaborate, our health is a favor that god has granted to us. If a person was ill, he would feel upset and anxious, and he might not be able to buy his health by his wealth. For example a patient suffering an end-stage cancer might wish to was able to gain his health at the cost of all his possession, but it is not possible. So money alone is not sufficient for a person to feel happy. Besides, If it was supposed that money makes mankind happy, there would not be any rich man who feel depressed and blue. Therefore money is a good thing, not everything. In conclusion, it can not be ignored that money is a prerequisite for a happy life, though, it should be associated with fulfilling other needs to enjoy our lives and be satisfied.
Seeking for happiness,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals try to earn more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, hoping to reach the summit of happiness. As a matter of fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is necessary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not sufficient to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
enjoy their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

Firstly
, without any doubt, a life without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and would be along with misery. Consider a family which cannot afford its living costs, how they could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
? Their life would be full of tension and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
In addition
, having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much to splash
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
out on expensive items could boost one's sense of pleasure and joy.
For instance
, going to a luxurious hotel, eating delicious food, buying
'brand new' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "brand-new".
brand new
cellphones, all, can be along with a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
emotion at least for a short term.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Furtheremore
, even for who are not materialistic and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
care about humanity, being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
rich to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the poor, fulfill their
Possible spelling mistake found.
spritual
needs and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more satisfied and content.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a minimum necessity to be happy.

On the other hand
, there are more factors in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
without which we
barely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. To elaborate, our health is a favor that god has granted to us. If a person was ill, he would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
upset and anxious, and he might not be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
his health by his wealth.
For example
a patient suffering an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
-stage cancer might wish to was able to gain his health at the cost of all his possession,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not possible.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
alone is not sufficient for a person to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
Besides
, If it
was supposed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
mankind
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
, there would not be any rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
depressed and blue.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
thing, not everything.

In conclusion
, it can not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a prerequisite for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
life, though, it should
be associated
with fulfilling other needs to enjoy our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and
be satisfied
.
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IELTS essay MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT MORE MONEY WILL MAKE THEM HAPPIER< HOW IMPORTANT IS MONEY FOR HAPPINESS?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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