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Many people think that money to be most important for achieving happiness. What importance does money have regarding happiness? Give answer with relevant factors. v.2

Many people think that money to be most important for achieving happiness. What importance does money have regarding happiness? Give answer with relevant factors. v. 2
Wealth is considered by many people to be one of the most important contributing factors towards happiness. I completely disagree and believe that it is possible for people to be happy even if they have little money and other aspects of life play a vital role in creating happiness. To begin with, money does not necessarily bring happiness. One way that people gain happiness is through their work. For instance, a doctor doing volunteer work in under developing counties may have very little money but the reward of helping people and doing the job they are good at, brings happiness in itself. In other words, happiness can be found by using skills that people are trained for and through job satisfaction. Furthermore, money is one of the component elements of happiness but not the most significant one. Factors such as having supportive and loving people in one’s life plays an important part of happiness. While money may bring the opportunities to enjoy pleasure, few people would enjoy them on their own. Being surrounded by a loving and caring family is considered by most people to be more valuable than any amount of money. Therefore, spending money on an experience, such as family vacation or outings with social circles provides more happiness than spending money on possession. In conclusion, it is commonly believed that money is influencing factor contributing towards happiness, however, I personally think that money is not an essential part of happiness, it can be found through strong family connection and job satisfaction. People were happy before money was invented, so happiness can exist without it.
Wealth
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
contributing factors towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. I completely disagree and believe that it is possible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be happy even if they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and other aspects of life play a vital role in creating happiness.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
does not
necessarily
bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. One way that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is through their work.
For instance
, a doctor doing volunteer work in under developing counties may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the reward of helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and doing the job they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at, brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in itself.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
can
be found
by using
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are trained
for and through job satisfaction.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is one of the component elements of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the most significant one. Factors such as having supportive and loving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in one’s life plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
may bring the opportunities to enjoy pleasure, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would enjoy them on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
Being surrounded
by a loving and caring family
is considered
by most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be more valuable than any amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Therefore
, spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on an experience, such as family vacation or outings with social circles provides more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
than spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on possession.

In conclusion
, it is
commonly
believed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is influencing factor contributing towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
,
however
, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is not an essential part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, it can
be found
through strong family connection and job satisfaction.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
were happy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
was invented
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
can exist without it.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people think that money to be most important for achieving happiness. What importance does money have regarding happiness? Give answer with relevant factors. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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