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Many people think that increasing the number of sports facilities is the best way to improve the public health. Others, however, say that this is not an effective way of improving the public health and other measures should be taken. v.2

Many people think that increasing the number of sports facilities is the best way to improve the public health. Others, however, say that this is not an effective way of improving the public health and other measures should be taken. v. 2
In our modern society, the question how to improve public health has been widely discussed. A fair portion of people believes that increasing the number of sports facilities is the best way to improve public health, while others hold the opposite point of view. As for me, I believe that increasing number of sports facilities and medical care are both important to improve public health. First, more sports facilities, such as gym and football playground, can offer the great improvement of public health. Nowadays, we have more pressure from work, life and even relationship, so doing exercise becomes a good way to relax. For example, the gyms of Pure and California Fitness have already placed in many areas. The recently published data shows that, in HongKong, increasing number of businessmen prefer to go to the gym after work, which can definitely improve public health. Therefore, more and more sports facilities can improve public health. Second, people should pay more attention to medical care, which is another import way to improve public health. In my hometown, for instance, the government made a new policy in 2014, which was to encourage people, especially elderly people, to do the body check at least once a year. The government would pay the half fee for body check for all citizens. This policy makes more and more people can prevent serious disease in the early stage. Medical care set by our government improves public health efficiently. In this case, another perfect way is to pay more attention to medical care. In my opinion, it is impossible to say that there is only one way to improve public health. We should work both on increasing numbers of sports facilities and setting up more medical cares for public. Both of the ways can keep us healthy and away from getting bad diseases.
In our modern society,
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the question how
to
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improve
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public
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health
has been
widely
discussed. A
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fair
portion of
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people
believes that
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increasing
the
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number
of
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sports
facilities is the best way to
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improve
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public
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health
, while others hold the opposite point of view. As for me, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
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number
of
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sports
facilities and
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medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
are both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
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improve
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public
health.

First
, more
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sports
facilities, such as gym and football playground, can offer the great improvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. Nowadays, we have more pressure from work, life and even relationship,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
doing exercise becomes a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to relax.
For example
, the gyms of Pure and California Fitness have already placed in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
areas. The recently published data
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that, in
Possible spelling mistake found.
HongKong
,
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increasing
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number
of businessmen prefer to go to the gym after work, which can definitely
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improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
Therefore
, more and more
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sports
facilities can
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improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
health.

Second,
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people
should pay more attention to
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medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
, which is another import way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. In my hometown,
for instance
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
made a new policy in 2014, which was to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, to do the body
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
at least once a year. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
would pay the half fee for body
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
for all citizens. This policy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
serious disease in the early stage.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
set by our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
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improves
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public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
efficiently
.
In this case
, another perfect way is to pay more attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care.

In my opinion, it is impossible to say that there is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. We should work both on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities and setting up more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cares
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
. Both of the ways can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
us healthy and away from getting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
diseases.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
52Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people think that increasing the number of sports facilities is the best way to improve the public health. Others, however, say that this is not an effective way of improving the public health and other measures should be taken. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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