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Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe there are other external factors that influence us. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is considered by some people that each individual person can accomplish their own happiness, while there are others who think that people’s joy is influenced by other external factors. I believe that both humans themselves and other factors can affect their happiness. On the one hand, lots of people say that everyone has the full responsibility of their own happiness. Working on yourself and being successful in your life are one of the keys of self-esteem and confidence which eventually leads your gladness without the intervention of others For example, when you study really hard to get a high score in you grades or doing exercises and diet to get a healthy body will increase your confident and make you happy about yourself. On the other hand, many people believe that other sources affect our happiness such as family, kids, friends and money. For instance, a mother watching her one-year old kid start to walk will make the happiest on earth. Also, when you are surrounded by your beloved family who only cares about your sake and appreciate your feelings, plays a role in a person’s pleasure. Moreover, money is one of the most common external factors that causes people’s happiness, a good example of that is when you buy a new car that you have always dreamt of. In my perspective, human’s happiness is influenced by each individual person and other external factors among them. Your family and friends can support you and make you feel good by hugs or even words that touch your heart. Meanwhile, you can control your joy by loving yourself and don’t let others opinion hurt you. In the conclusion, happiness is the way of life and some people think it can be controlled by each individual person, whereas others believe that many factors have an effect on it. However, I personally think that everyone is responsible on their own happiness as well as family, friends, kids or even money.
It
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that each individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can accomplish their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, while there are others who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
joy
is influenced
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
external factors.

I believe that both humans themselves and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
can affect their happiness.

On the one hand, lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that everyone has the full responsibility of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. Working on yourself and being successful in your life are one of the keys of self-esteem and confidence which
eventually
leads your gladness without the intervention of others

For example
, when you study
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a high score in you grades or doing exercises and diet to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a healthy body will increase your confident and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you happy about yourself.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
sources affect our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, kids, friends and money.
For instance
, a mother watching her one-year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
kid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to walk will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the happiest on earth.
Also
, when you
are surrounded
by your beloved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
cares about your sake and appreciate your feelings, plays a role in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
pleasure.
Moreover
, money is one of the most common external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
that causes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of
that is
when you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a new car that you have always dreamt of.

In my perspective, human’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is influenced
by each individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
among them. Your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends can support you and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you feel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
by hugs or even words that touch your heart. Meanwhile, you can control your joy by loving yourself and don’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
others opinion hurt you.

In the conclusion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is the way of life and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it can
be controlled
by each individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
, whereas others believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
have an effect on it.
However
, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that everyone is responsible on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, friends, kids or even money.
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IELTS essay Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe there are other external factors that influence us.

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
327 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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