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Many people judge success solely by money and material possessions. however, success can be achieved or measured in other ways. What are your opinion about this subject? v.1

Many people judge success solely by money and material possessions. however, success can be achieved or measured in other ways. What are your opinion about this subject? v. 1
For so many years, some people’s philosophy was that we should measure success and fortune with financial aspects. In my opinion, although having a good financial condition is a crucial part of life, other parts like friendship or family are important too. On the one hand, some higher values of life like spending time with your family or having a good relation with your relatives is a very important aspect of life. For example, if you do not spend much time with your child and miss their memorable incident, then when you get older you do not have many common things with them. Furthermore, we should be sensitive about our responsibility for our family and we are not born to just make money, we are here to spend money on our satisfaction. So, we cannot judge people by their wealth, we should consider the true meaning of life. On the other hand, having money is an inevitable concept that we can ignore it. Besides that, without adequate money, we are not able to help others and also poor people. For instance, bill gates, the founder of Microsoft company, devoted his 90% of his money to charities, and when the reports asked him about what was your purpose, he said I have enough money for the rest of my life, so I wanted to do something and I did it. So, if we spend money in a good way it could be a turning point for the world. In conclusion, even though, money plays a key role in our modern society, we cannot ignore the importance of other aspects of life.
For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s philosophy was that we should measure success and fortune with financial aspects. In my opinion, although having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
financial condition is a crucial part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
parts like friendship or family are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
too.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
higher values of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
like spending time with your family or having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
relation with your relatives is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For example
, if you do not spend much time with your child and miss their memorable incident, then when you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older you do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
common things with them.
Furthermore
, we should be sensitive about our responsibility for our
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
family and
we are not born to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, we are here to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on our satisfaction.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, we cannot judge
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
by their wealth, we should consider the true meaning of life.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is an inevitable concept that we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
it.
Besides
that, without adequate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, we are not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others and
also
poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For instance
,
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
bill gates
, the founder of Microsoft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, devoted his 90% of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to charities, and when the reports asked him about what was your purpose, he said I have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for the rest of my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I wanted to do something and I did it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if we spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way it could be a turning point for the world.

In conclusion
,
even though
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
plays a key role in our modern society, we cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people judge success solely by money and material possessions. however, success can be achieved or measured in other ways. What are your opinion about this subject? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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