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Many people disagree with the school about forcing children to learn new languages. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Many people disagree with the school about forcing children to learn new languages. v. 1
There is an increased number of products being promoted by famous people. Although, it assembles two sides of one coin. I personally believe that selling that type of products has more benefits than disadvantages. In the first place, there are various reasons why it might be considered as adverse to allow celebrities to publicize many products. Firstly, there are a huge number of fans unquestioningly want to purchase goods advertised by their idols or people that they admire without inspecting the quality or knowing whether that products are necessary or not. It can therefore cost a lot of money and effort, which is completely not worth. Secondly, if products are then found poor quality or counterfeit, celebrity's reputation can probably be damaged which negatively affect their prospective career paths. However, in spite of these arguments, I still do believe that the benefits definitely outweigh the drawbacks itself. In particular, celebrities can promote the products in a better way as they use some of these items in their line of work. For example, Raffle Nadal usually advertises an energy drink, which he constantly consumes while playing tennis. Besides, choosing sought-after products somehow help buyers feel more safe and secured about the product quality. Finally, many producers are willing to pay high sums for celebrity advertising for them, which means that their average remuneration could be improved considerably. In conclusion, although offering goods marketed by those who are popular have some downsides, I still believe that the advantages are way more than the other one.
There is an increased number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
being promoted
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
, it assembles two sides of one coin. I
personally
believe that selling that type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
has more benefits than disadvantages.

In the
first
place, there are various reasons why it might
be considered
as adverse to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
celebrities to publicize
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
Firstly
, there are a huge number of fans
unquestioningly
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
advertised by their idols or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that they admire without inspecting the quality or knowing whether that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
are necessary or not. It can
therefore
cost
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money and effort, which is completely not worth.
Secondly
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
are then found poor quality or counterfeit, celebrity's reputation can
probably
be damaged
which
negatively
affect their prospective career paths.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
these arguments, I
still
do believe that the benefits definitely outweigh the drawbacks itself.
In particular
, celebrities can promote the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
in a better way as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of these items in their line of work.
For example
, Raffle
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nadal
usually
advertises an energy drink, which he
constantly
consumes while playing tennis.
Besides
, choosing sought-after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
somehow
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
buyers feel more safe and secured about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
quality.
Finally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
producers are willing to pay high sums for celebrity advertising for them, which means that their average remuneration could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
considerably
.

In conclusion
, although offering
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
marketed by those who are popular have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
downsides, I
still
believe that the advantages are way more than the other one.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people disagree with the school about forcing children to learn new languages. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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