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Many people buy new phones or laptops to keep up with the latest technology. Is this a good thing or bad thing? v.1

Many people buy new phones or laptops to keep up with the latest technology. Is this a good thing or bad thing? v. 1
Apparently, easy availability of merchandise has made it possible to buy anything. Thus, people keep on buying new gadgets like phones and laptops to upkeep with the latest technology. This trend is actually worse as it brings along many unwanted results. New phones or laptops will have the newest inbuilt feature. When people buy these, they learn about it by having hands on experience. They, further, will gain knowledge about the latest happenings of the world through these updated gadgets as a result, they are looked upon with respect by their peers. Furthermore, it also gives them the sense of satisfaction and achievement. Having said that, it is an undeniable truth that these gadgets get updated within a brink of time. Thus, to buy these items every time, seriously involves massive amounts of money. Apple has launched two versions of phones within 4 months, the cost of both is above SGD 1, 200. Thus, buying 2 phones within 4 months is sheer waste of money. In addition, those who do not have latest gadgets are looked upon as poor class people and are often left out of the group. If people buy these just to be updated then, one can always explore google or newspapers, which comes very cheap and handy. All in all, the increasing trend to buy new phone and laptops is a bad thing and should be discouraged, as it involves wastage of money and further promotes bullying, in a long run. One can look for alternatives as mentioned above to upkeep with latest technology.
Apparently
, easy availability of merchandise has made it possible to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
anything.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
on buying new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadgets
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and laptops to upkeep with the latest technology. This trend is actually worse as it brings along
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
unwanted results.

New
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
or laptops will have the newest inbuilt feature. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
these, they learn about it by having hands on experience. They,
further
, will gain knowledge about the latest happenings of the world through these updated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadgets
as a result
, they
are looked
upon with respect by their peers.
Furthermore
, it
also
gives them the sense of satisfaction and achievement.

Having said that, it is an undeniable truth that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadgets
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
updated within a brink of time.
Thus
, to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
these items every time,
seriously
involves massive amounts of money. Apple has launched two versions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
within 4 months, the cost of both is above SGD 1, 200.
Thus
, buying 2
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
within 4 months is sheer waste of money.
In addition
, those who do not have
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadgets
are looked
upon as poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
out of the group. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to
be updated
then, one can always explore google or newspapers, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
and handy.

All in all, the increasing trend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
and laptops is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
thing and should
be discouraged
, as it involves wastage of money and
further
promotes bullying, in a long run. One can look for alternatives as mentioned above to upkeep with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
technology.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Many people buy new phones or laptops to keep up with the latest technology. Is this a good thing or bad thing? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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