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Many people believe that social networking sites ( such as Facebook) have had a huge impact on both individuals and society. To what extent do you agree. v.1

Many people believe that social networking sites ( such as Facebook) have had a huge impact on both individuals and society. v. 1
It is believed by several people that social networking sites for instance Facebook have had a detrimental effect on both individuals and the community. Although, I believe that such sites are beneficial to an individual, I also agree that it has a damaging effect on the society. Admittedly, with regards to individuals, social networking sites have clear advantages. Firstly, it brings people from several countries together. These days, people have the opportunity to make friends with individuals from different Nationalities, as compared to previous years where friendship was only based with those within one's local circle. For instance, a Nigerian youth, who utilizes Facebook can make friends with people from America, Australia and so on. Secondly, it creates an avenue for advertisement. This is so because people are free to advertise their products and services, thereby reaching a higher percentage of prospective customers as compared to physical adverts. For instance, an entrepreneur who sells shoes and uploads it on her timeline, different individuals would see the post, hence, there would be prospective buyers. On the other hand, effect of Facebook on the community can be seen as negative. Social networking results in isolation, because these days people spend a lot of time online, and neglects those in the community. Also, the societal bond is becoming disjointed as a result of Facebook, some individuals would rather prefer to engage with people they may never see rather than create bonds with people in the society. To illustrate, in a campus students had a group task, some students preferred to engage in Facebook group discussion. However, others met face to face, therefore, those who had a physical meeting performed better. In conclusion, although Facebook has brought individuals closer to people from other countries, it has created social isolation in the society.
It
is believed
by several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networking sites
for instance
Facebook have had a detrimental effect on both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
and the community.

Although, I believe that such sites are beneficial to an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
, I
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it has a damaging effect on the society.

Admittedly
,
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
with regards to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networking sites have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
advantages.
Firstly
, it brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from several countries together. These days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
Nationalities, as compared to previous
It is better to use 'years' with the time-relative pronoun 'when': "years when". (Alternatively, use 'in/on which')
years where
friendship was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
based with those within one's local circle.

For instance
, a Nigerian youth, who utilizes Facebook can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from America, Australia and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Secondly
, it creates an avenue for advertisement. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are free to advertise their products and services, thereby reaching a higher percentage of prospective customers as compared to physical adverts.

For instance
, an entrepreneur who sells shoes and uploads it on her timeline,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the post,
hence
, there would be prospective buyers.

On the other hand
, effect of Facebook on the community can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
networking results in isolation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time online, and neglects those in the community.
Also
, the societal bond is becoming disjointed
as a result
of Facebook,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
would
rather
prefer to engage with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
they may never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
rather
than create bonds with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the society. To illustrate, in a campus
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "student"?
students
had a group task,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
students preferred to engage
The usual collocation for "Facebook" is "on". Did you mean "on Facebook"?
in Facebook
group discussion.
However
, others met face to face,
therefore
, those who had a physical meeting performed better.

In conclusion
, although Facebook has brought
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
closer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from other countries, it has created
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
isolation in the society.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people believe that social networking sites ( such as Facebook) have had a huge impact on both individuals and society. v. 1

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
298 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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