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Many people believe that money is a good gift for a teenagers while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Many people believe that money is a good gift for a teenagers while others disagree. v. 1
In the world of today, there has been an increasingly popular tendency that people give money for teenagers as they consider it as a reasonable present, while some are against this trend due to its possible drawbacks. From my perspective, I find the latter agreeable for several reasons. On the one hand, money may be a suitable gift for youngsters, thanks to some of its benefits. The first advantage worth mentioning is that money collected from gifts may play an indispensable role in some young students’ lives. In fact, in some cases, students whose families do not provide them with support on their education fee and daily expenses may take advantage of that money to release their financial burdens. Another benefit of this act is that according to some research, not only does early exposure to money help teenagers to understand better about the value of the money, it also helps them to start planning their financial budget, which is obviously beneficial their adult life in the near future. For instance, children who are allowed to get familiar with money during their early stage of life seem to have a better understanding and systematic thinking in doing businesses when they grow up, compared to those that are prohibited from touching money when they were young. On the other hand, there are undeniable drawbacks of giving money as a gift to youngsters. First of all, by giving money for them too easily, adults may spontaneously create an illusion that everyone can have a free access to material things, without spending any effort. Indeed, this will clearly have detrimental effects to their mind set and philosophy of life later on, breeding potential crimes and social evils. Secondly, young people are often curious and vulnerable. Without a strict control from parents, not only do they spend that amount of money into useless and unnecessary things advertised on means of media, but they may also use that in drug-trafficking. Last but not least, some young people have already thought that getting money as a gift should be their right, and kept asking for more. Although some families can afford it, some may find it out of the question and have to work exhaustedly or go stealing to satisfy their kids’ wants. In conclusion, even though there are some advantages of the trend in which people give money for teenagers as a present, I hold the belief that the trend still has some irrefutable demerits; therefore, it should be discontinued in the today’s society.
In the world of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, there has been an
increasingly
popular tendency that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
as they consider it as a reasonable present, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are against this trend due to its possible drawbacks. From my perspective, I find the latter agreeable for several reasons.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
may be a suitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
for youngsters, thanks to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of its benefits. The
first
advantage worth mentioning is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
collected from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
may play an indispensable role in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
young students’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. In fact, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, students whose families do not provide them with support on their education fee and daily expenses may take advantage of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to release their financial burdens. Another benefit of this act is that according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
research, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does early exposure to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to understand better about the value of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
planning their financial budget, which is
obviously
beneficial their adult life in the near future.
For instance
, children who are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
familiar with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
during their early stage of life seem to have a better understanding and systematic thinking in doing businesses when they grow up, compared to those that
are prohibited
from touching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
when they were young.

On the other hand
, there are undeniable drawbacks of giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
to youngsters.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, by giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for them too
easily
, adults may
spontaneously
create an illusion that everyone can have
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "free access".
a free access
to material things, without spending any effort.
Indeed
, this will
clearly
have detrimental effects to their mind set and philosophy of life later on, breeding potential crimes and social evils.
Secondly
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
curious and vulnerable. Without a strict control from parents, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do they spend that amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
into useless and unnecessary things advertised on means of media,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they may
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
that in drug-trafficking. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
should be their right, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
asking for more. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
families can afford it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may find it out of the question and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work
Possible spelling mistake found.
exhaustedly
or go stealing to satisfy their kids’ wants.

In conclusion
,
even though
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages of the trend in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
as a present, I hold the belief that the trend
still
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
irrefutable demerits;
therefore
, it should
be discontinued
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s society.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people believe that money is a good gift for a teenagers while others disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
419 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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