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Many people believe that modern music can a negative impact on the young. Others believe the effect of modern music is positive. Discuss both these views and give your opinion

Nowadays, younger have been two beliefs by certain people, most of the people they said songs have a negative effect, but others they believe a piece of music has a positive impact. In my opinion, music has two diverse sides of the impact, but to my view, as it is seem to me that, the positive outweighs the negative. In the beginning, one of the unhelpful sides of the song is a waste of the time to younger people by their spending most of the time listens to that music. Instead of that they can save their time on doing a positive vibe, such as register a course that benefits them, when they are offering a job, that can have an experience or spend their time discover their hobbies, even they can do exercises to have a healthy body, instead, lie down the chair and listening to that melody. Moreover, mental issues could be common to people, who often listen to song, because of the negative meaning of those words or maybe a loud noise of that music. For example, depression or stress would be most popular becoming by younger people, who addicted listening to tune. In the other hand, the tune has a good-looking side as younger they would learn a new language by listening to some popular singers. For example, young who would be fluency on the Korean language they could be listening often to K-pop music. Furthermore, the melody has peace of impact, as gives a relaxed peaceful emotion to people that suffering from stress or anxiety. Moreover, it could be changing their mood for younger students to feel more comfortable when they study and can avoid a nervous emotion, by having meditation, which could less negative feeling inside them, and focuses on what they do. In conclusion, even the song has a negative effect, and it could benefit the younger on many sides of their lives
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
have been two beliefs by certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
they said songs have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effect,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others they believe a piece of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has two diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sides
of the impact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to my view, as it is
Consider using either the past participle “seemed” or the present participle “seeming” here.
seem
to me that, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outweighs the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.

In the beginning, one of the unhelpful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sides
of the song is a waste of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by their spending most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
listens to that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
Instead
of that they can save their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on doing a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
vibe, such as register a course that benefits them, when they are offering a job, that can have an experience or spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
discover their hobbies, even they can do exercises to have a healthy body,
instead
, lie down the chair and listening to that melody.
Moreover
, mental issues could be common to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
listen to song,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
meaning of those words or maybe a loud noise of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
For example
, depression or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
would be
Did you mean “the most”?
most
popular becoming by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who addicted listening to tune.

In the other hand, the tune has a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
-looking side as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
they would learn a new language by listening to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
popular singers.
For example
, young who would be fluency on the Korean language they could be listening
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
to K-pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
Furthermore
, the melody has peace of impact, as gives a relaxed peaceful emotion to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that suffering from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
or anxiety.
Moreover
, it could be changing their mood for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
students to feel more comfortable when they study and can avoid a nervous emotion, by having meditation, which could less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
feeling inside them, and focuses on what they do.

In conclusion
, even the song has a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effect, and it could benefit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sides
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
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IELTS essay Many people believe that modern music can a negative impact on the young. Others believe the effect of modern music is positive. Discuss both these views and give your opinion

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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