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Many people believe that increasing levels of violence on television and in films is having a direct result on levels of violence in society. Others ,claim that violence in society is the result of more fundamental social problems such as unemployment. Discuss both the views and give your opinion.

Many people believe that increasing levels of violence on television and in films is having a direct result on levels of violence in society. Others, claim that violence in society is the result of more fundamental social problems such as unemployment. 6wK3
In todays era, an important role has been being played by entertainment sources towards society. A group of people perceive that television and movies have had many negative impact on individual. As a result, in many situation, the level of violence has been increasing among people. Whereas, others reckon that unemployment is a major issue sometimes which converts in violence. First and foremost one is, considering this present scenario, people have been being influenced by modern culture. As it can be seen that some entertainment tools such as television are providing a kind of movies: crime-thriller and action movies. Which are playing a negative role on humans mind similarly, when a teen boy from his tender age becomes used to watching violent subjects on TV and whenever a boy faces any challenges in his personal and professional life, he chooses bad learning as a weapon to solve this. For example, a survey conducted among tihar jail, it comes out 80% prisoners were introduced by crime in their tender age in lieu of violent movies. Another one is, violence in society is the result of more fundamental social problems such as unemployment. When people found that there is no scope for earning money. As a result they do such crime activities like robbery as well as hurt people with the intention to get money. Taking an example, in India, during this covid pandemic situation, a survey of TOI, 41 lakh youth in the country lost jobs while construction and farm sector workers account for the majority of job losses. So, they are living in poverty line and which inspires them to do crime. In my opinion, some situation is out of people's control, movies and television which is strictly under viewers discretion. Furthermore, economical situation forces to do crime activities due to their financial problems.
In
Possible spelling mistake found.
todays
era, an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role has been
being played
by entertainment sources towards society. A group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
perceive that television and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
have had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on individual.
As a result
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
, the level of violence has been increasing among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, others reckon that unemployment is a major issue
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
which converts in violence.

First
and foremost one is, considering this present scenario,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been
being influenced
by modern culture. As it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
entertainment tools such as television are providing a kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
: crime-thriller and action
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
. Which are playing a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
role on humans mind
similarly
, when a teen boy from his tender age becomes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to watching violent subjects on TV and whenever a boy faces any challenges in his personal and professional life, he chooses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
learning as a weapon to solve this.
For example
, a survey conducted among
Possible spelling mistake found.
tihar
jail, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
out 80% prisoners
were introduced
by crime in their tender age in lieu of violent movies.

Another one is, violence in society is the result of more fundamental social problems such as unemployment. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
found that there is no scope for earning money.
As a result
they do such crime activities like robbery
as well
as hurt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with the intention to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
money. Taking an example, in India, during this
Did you mean "COVID-19" or the alternative spelling "Covid-19" (= coronavirus)?
covid
pandemic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
, a survey of
Possible spelling mistake found.
TOI
, 41 lakh youth in the country lost jobs while construction and farm sector workers account for the majority of job losses.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they are living in poverty line and which inspires them to do crime.

In my opinion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
is out of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's control,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
and television which is
strictly
under
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "viewers'" or "viewer's"?
viewers
discretion.
Furthermore
,
Did you mean "economic" (=connected with economy)?
economical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
forces
Did you mean "doing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'force' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to do
crime activities due to their financial problems.
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IELTS essay Many people believe that increasing levels of violence on television and in films is having a direct result on levels of violence in society. Others, claim that violence in society is the result of more fundamental social problems such as unemployment.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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