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Many people are involved in sports when they are young but stop once they are adults. Why do many adults stop doing physical exercise? What can be done about this problem? v.1

Many people are involved in sports when they are young but stop once they are adults. Why do many adults stop doing physical exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 1
A number of individuals engage themselves in sport activities when they were young, moreover, this scenario changes as they grow up. There are various reasons such as busy work schedules, lack of interest, technological development which has reduced the people's engagement in physical activities. To start with, one of the main reasons for lack of exercising habit among people is the cause of the increase work pressure. People nowadays are running in a rat race, there is a huge amount of work load they need to cope with in their day to day lives. This leaves them with limited time, hence they are not able to involve themselves in any physical activities, which could be beneficial for their well-being. In addition, the lack of access to fitness centres can also be a reason why the individuals do not indulge in these activities. As some of these recreational facilities are not available near their areas and people's unwillingness to commute far to access them could be another reason. However, creating the awareness on the advantages of the physical activities can help in increasing the public interest. There can also be various awareness programs that can be organised within the communities and offices which can share the benefits gained from doing regular exercise. The community and corporate can also organise regular marathons, competitions which can engage people to participate. In conclusion, physical exercise at all ages is important for the well-being of the individual. In my view, it is mainly the responsibility of an individual to take care of his own health. However, the society can also take measures on supporting the individuals on taking various steps.
A number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
engage themselves in sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
when they were young,
moreover
, this scenario
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
as they grow up. There are various reasons such as busy work schedules, lack of interest, technological development which has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's engagement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, one of the main reasons for lack of exercising habit among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
the cause of the increase work pressure.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
nowadays are running in a rat race, there is a huge amount of work load they need to cope with in their
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
them with limited time,
hence
they are not able to involve themselves in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, which could be beneficial for their well-being.
In addition
, the lack of access to fitness
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
can
also
be a reason why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
do not indulge in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. As
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of these recreational facilities are not available near their areas and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's unwillingness to commute far to access them could be another reason.

However
, creating the awareness on the advantages of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in increasing the public interest. There can
also
be various awareness programs that can be
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
within the communities and offices which can share the benefits gained from doing regular exercise. The community and corporate can
also
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
regular marathons, competitions which can engage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to participate.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise at all ages is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the well-being of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
. In my view, it is
mainly
the responsibility of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
to take care of his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
health.
However
, the society can
also
take measures on supporting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
on taking various steps.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people are involved in sports when they are young but stop once they are adults. Why do many adults stop doing physical exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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