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Many parents feel that cell phones are harmful to children, while others do not. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion. v.2

Many parents feel that cell phones are harmful to children, while others do not. v. 2
Some people considered that the smartphones are dangerous for the children because its addiction can turn into health-related issues. However, others tend to oppose this idea and believe that the cellphones are good as long as children are using them under elderly supervision. This essay agrees with the latter statement and suggest that parents should use parental control and the child lock apps to monitor their children’s activities. On the one side, those who opine that cell phones are bad for the children’s development, can easily point out to its addiction. That is to say, the vast majority of children who start with, streaming online movies or playing video games, ends up being addicted. As a result, such people spend very less amount of time on completing the homework or doing physical activities, which eventually lead to health-related diseases including low eyesight, obesity and weak immune system. For instance, according to the World Health Organisation, around 90% of children in the whole world are suffering from Obesity. On further investigation, it was estimated that on an average such kids have 5 hours of screen time per day, which is completely unacceptable. On the other hand, smartphones can have various advantages for the children. Firstly, it protects the children by allowing parents to track their exact geographical location, and contact them if necessary. Certainly, this approach of getting actual whereabouts is convenient to rescue the child in case of crises. In addition, mobile phones can offer education to the children because there are numerous mobile apps available on the internet, whose main aim is to educate the kids with image and video tutorials. Finally, In my opinion, mobile phones have both positives and negatives, so in order to make the best out of it, parents should closely monitor their kids actions either through parental control apps or by setting a timer on the devices, so that apps automatically shuts down after the time is over. In this way, people can protect their kids while they are using the technology to entertain themselves. To conclude, cell phones are harmful in the sense that its excessive use can lead to various health issues. Therefore, parents should use strict monitoring tools to protect their kids from the bad effects of the smart phones.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
considered that the smartphones are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
its addiction can turn into health-related issues.
However
, others tend to oppose this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and believe that the cellphones are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
as long as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are using them under elderly supervision. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with the latter statement and suggest that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
parental control and the child lock apps to monitor their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
activities.

On the one side, those who opine that cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
development, can
easily
point out to its addiction.
That is
to say, the vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, streaming online movies or playing video games, ends up
being addicted
.
As a result
, such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less amount of time on completing the homework or doing physical activities, which
eventually
lead to health-related diseases including low eyesight, obesity and weak immune system.
For instance
, according to the World Health
Possible spelling mistake. 'Organisation' is British English.
Organisation
, around 90% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the whole world are suffering from Obesity. On
further
investigation, it
was estimated
that on an average such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
have 5 hours of screen time per day, which is completely unacceptable.

On the other hand
, smartphones can have various advantages for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Firstly
, it protects the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
their exact geographical location, and contact them if necessary.
Certainly
, this approach of getting actual whereabouts is convenient to rescue the child in case of crises.
In addition
, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can offer education to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are numerous mobile apps available on the internet, whose main aim is to educate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
with image and video tutorials.

Finally
, In my opinion, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
have both positives and negatives,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the best out of it,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
closely
monitor their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
actions either through parental control apps or by setting a timer on the devices,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that apps
automatically
shuts down after the time is over. In this way,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can protect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
while they are using the technology to entertain themselves.

To conclude
, cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are harmful in the sense that its excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
can lead to various health issues.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
strict monitoring tools to protect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effects of the smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
We should learn languages because language is the only thing worth knowing even poorly.
Kató Lomb

IELTS essay Many parents feel that cell phones are harmful to children, while others do not. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
379 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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