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Many parents complain about violence promoted to their children through video games, TV programs and other media. Why is it happening? What can be the solution for it? Give your opinion and include relevant examples.

Many parents complain about violence promoted to their children through video games, TV programs and other media. Why is it happening? What can be the solution for it? Give your opinion and include relevant examples. 7aaDn
According to most of cases that children’s behavior become negative because they are exposed by technologies like video games, television and media social. It makes many parents feel worry about their children and their try to keep away their children from such of the technologies. Yet, other facts said children who plays video games can be a professional player in a prestigious championship. In my view, if we can see from the positive side, through technologies we can take a benefit for our children. As long as parents take control how the way children using technology wisely, negative impact can be avoided. Nowadays, professional gamers are increasing even they join in an international championship around the world. Children are not only playing a game for fun but also most of them want to become international professional player. To become a professional there is a coach who will teaching children about strategy, agility, timing and consistence. Children preparing to compete opponent from different countries. Moreover, be a representative in an international moment can be such an honour and motivation for them. Then, currently various of TV programs indeed risky for children to watch. Yet, technology is thriving in this era it means there are many ways for parents to control what programs they permit. Parents should give a socialization to children about kind of TV programs they can watch based on children age. The socialization can be an effective way to make children understand why the are prohibited to watch it. Because the important key is children know the reason behind the prohibited rule from their parents. Finally, as parents in this evolve era with high technology cannot just avoiding it. Parents should adaptation with technological development, so they will know how to use technology effectively for their children. If parents well understand using technologies it will give positive benefit for their children such as become professional game player who can be a representative in an international championship and get money as award.
According to
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the cases") or simply say "most cases".
most of cases
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
behavior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are exposed
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
like video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, television and media social. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
feel worry about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and their try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
away their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from such of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
.
Yet
, other facts said
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
Did you mean "play"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'children' should be used.
plays
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
player in a prestigious championship. In my view, if we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
from the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side, through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
we can take a benefit for our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. As long as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
take control how the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
wisely
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact can
be avoided
.

Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
gamers are increasing even they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
championship around the world.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
playing a game for fun
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
most of them want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
player. To
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
there is a coach who will teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about strategy, agility, timing and consistence.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
preparing to compete opponent from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries.
Moreover
, be a representative in an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
moment can be such an
Possible spelling mistake. 'honour' is British English.
honour
and motivation for them.

Then,
currently
various of TV programs
indeed
risky for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
.
Yet
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is thriving in this era it means there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to control what programs they permit.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
should give a socialization to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about kind of TV programs they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
based on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
age. The socialization can be an effective way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
understand why the
are prohibited
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
it.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
key is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
know the reason behind the prohibited
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
from their parents.

Finally
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in this evolve era with high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
cannot
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
avoiding it.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
The word 'adaptation' is a noun or an adjective. A verb is missing or misspelled, or maybe a comma is missing.
should adaptation
with technological development,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they will know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
effectively
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
well understand using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
it will give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
benefit for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
game player who can be a representative in an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
championship and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
money as award.
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IELTS essay Many parents complain about violence promoted to their children through video games, TV programs and other media. Why is it happening? What can be the solution for it? Give your opinion and include relevant examples.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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