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Many parents complain about violence promoted to their children through video games, TV programs and other media. Why is it happening? What can be the solution for it? v.2

Many parents complain about violence promoted to their children through video games, TV programs and other media. Why is it happening? What can be the solution for it? v. 2
Nowadays, most of the parents believe that the kids are highly influenced by a lot of video games, TV Programs and also they think, some media's are leading the way to violence. This is happening mainly because of technology development. Since, youngsters are exposed to a lot of social environments. To control this situation, many solutions can be taken into effort not only by the council but also by their own parents. One solution is, the government should introduce some safety measures which will limit the kids from watching aggressive contents. Additionally, some of the games should not be open to kids who is under 18 years of age limit. For instance, play, store applications like pubs, World war, boxing can be banned or restricted to the toddlers. As a result, the children would not be influenced by some bad moral ethics. Another solution is, the guardians should not allow children to use mobile phones or any other electronic devices for a long time. They should limit the usage only to the speculative amount of time. Moreover, they can encourage the child to play some indoor games or even some outdoor place near the home. For Example, young children can play in the playground near the home, by playing this way they may get more chance to meet different children, this leads them to grow in a friendly atmosphere. Thereby, the exposure may get increased. Therefore, the addiction to TV Programs and other media could be controlled to an extend. To conclude, these corrective measures can be taken for the toddlers by the management and also by the parents to lead a healthy life in a positive atmosphere. Moreover, these will save the young ones from the trap of media and the video games.
Nowadays, most of the parents believe that the kids are
highly
influenced by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, TV Programs and
also
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
media's are leading the way to violence. This is happening
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of technology development.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
, youngsters
are exposed
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
social environments. To control this situation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
solutions can
be taken
into effort not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by the council
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
parents.

One solution is, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should introduce
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
safety measures which will limit the kids from watching aggressive contents.
Additionally
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
should not be open to kids who
Did you mean "am", "are", "aren"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'kids' should be used.
is
under 18 years of age limit.
For instance
, play, store applications like pubs, World war, boxing can
be banned
or restricted to the toddlers.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would not
be influenced
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
moral ethics.

Another solution is, the guardians should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
mobile phones or any other electronic devices for a long time. They should limit the usage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to the speculative amount of time.
Moreover
, they can encourage the child to play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
indoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
or even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
outdoor place near the home.
For Example
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can play in the playground near the home, by playing this way they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, this leads them to grow in a friendly atmosphere. Thereby, the exposure may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
increased.
Therefore
, the addiction to TV Programs and other media could
be controlled
to
After 'an', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'extend' is correct. If 'extend' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
an extend
.

To conclude
, these corrective measures can
be taken
for the toddlers by the management and
also
by the parents to lead a healthy life in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
atmosphere.
Moreover
, these will save the young ones from the trap of media and the video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Many parents complain about violence promoted to their children through video games, TV programs and other media. Why is it happening? What can be the solution for it? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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