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Many parents are unhappy because of the increasing amount of violence in their children by computer games, TV programs, and other leisure activities. v.3

Many parents are unhappy because of the increasing amount of violence in their children by computer games, TV programs, and other leisure activities. v. 3
In the last decade recreational activities of children have changed significantly because of the introduction of electronic entertainment devices. However, many parents and guardians of youngsters are now worried about the negative effect of these activities, of the children, due to the aggressive behaviour of these games and shows. To begin with, the games, movies and TV series, which based on war or criminal stories are the most famous ones among young generation. Youngsters love to feel the excitement, hence they tend to select the leisure activities that have some form of violence. Another reason for this trend is the advertisements. Media and producers of these games and shows spend a large sum of money to take the attention of the young audience to their products. Unfortunately, due to the heavy promotions, these products become a trend among the young crowd. For instance, a recent survey has found that in order to promote the products, gaming companies intentionally increases the number of killing in their video games. There are quite a few methods available to tackle this problem. First and foremost, the governments can introduce more regulations to control the violent content of these entertainment options. For instance, in some nations, it is required by law to put an age limit for the games and shows released to the market. Secondly, parents can control the screen time of their offspring and also only let them use these devices under their supervision. It is identified that the best way to control the exposure of children to these inappropriate and unsuitable scenes is by the regular supervision of the guardians. Therefore, aforementioned measures would help immensely to control this situation. In conclusion, due the nature of adolescents they often seek for modern leisure activities that contains violence. Nonetheless, governments and guardians of children could control this by taking corrective actions.
In the last decade recreational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
significantly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the introduction of electronic entertainment devices.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents and guardians of youngsters are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
worried about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, due to the aggressive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, movies and TV series, which based on war or criminal stories are the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
ones among young generation. Youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to feel the excitement,
hence
they tend to select the leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
form of violence. Another reason for this trend is the advertisements. Media and producers of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
spend a large sum of money to take the attention of the young audience to their products. Unfortunately, due to the heavy promotions, these products become a trend among the young crowd.
For instance
, a recent survey has found that in order to promote the products, gaming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
intentionally
increases the number of killing in their video games.

There are quite a few methods available to tackle this problem.
First
and foremost, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
can introduce more regulations to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
the violent content of these entertainment options.
For instance
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations, it
is required
by law to put an age limit for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
released to the market.
Secondly
, parents can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
the screen time of their offspring and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these devices under their supervision. It
is identified
that the best way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
the exposure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to these inappropriate and unsuitable scenes is by the regular supervision of the guardians.
Therefore
, aforementioned measures would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
immensely
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
this situation.

In conclusion
, due the nature of adolescents they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
seek for modern leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that contains violence. Nonetheless,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and guardians of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
this by taking corrective actions.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Many parents are unhappy because of the increasing amount of violence in their children by computer games, TV programs, and other leisure activities. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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