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Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem? v.8

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem? v. 8
It is true that some criminals commit crimes again after they have been punished. While there are several reasons for this alarming trend, some effective measures can be taken by governments to tackle this problem. There are two main reasons for re-offenders. Firstly, the prison system can make the situation worse. Criminals put together in prison and they make friends with other offenders. While they are locked up in prison, they do not have much to do there, and they would exchange information about what they have done before they came to the prison or they may plan crimes with other inmates. Secondly, offenders often do not have any other means of earning money. They are poor, uneducated and lacking skills needed to maintain a job. Also, a criminal record makes finding a job difficult as people usually avoid hiring ex-convict. To solve this problem, governments should focus on rehabilitation of criminals rather than punishment. Above all, prisons need vocational training which makes inmates to prepare for life outside the prison. They can learn practical skills such as computer programming, car maintenance and graphic design. In this way, they can be hired for a position that requires this certain knowledge and skills. Community service is another way to reform offenders. Rather than being locked up in prison with other inmates, offenders can help society and become useful to their local community, and these activities would eliminate the negative influence that prisons can have. In conclusion, it is true the re-offenders are one of the problems in our community; it can be solved by focusing rehabilitation rather than punishment itself.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
commit crimes again after they have
been punished
. While there are several reasons for this alarming trend,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
effective measures can
be taken
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
to tackle this problem.

There are two main reasons for re-offenders.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prison
system can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the situation worse.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Criminals
put together in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
prison and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
friends with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offenders
. While they
are locked
up in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prison
, they do not have much to do there, and they would exchange information about what they have done
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they came to the
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
prison or
they may plan crimes with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
inmates.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offenders
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
do not have any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
means of earning money. They are poor, uneducated and lacking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
needed to maintain a job.
Also
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
record
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
finding a job difficult as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
usually
avoid hiring ex-convict.

To solve this problem,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should focus on rehabilitation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
rather
than punishment.
Above all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prisons
need vocational training which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
inmates to prepare for life outside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prison
. They can learn practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as computer programming, car maintenance and graphic design. In this way, they can
be hired
for a position that requires this certain knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. Community service is another way to reform
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offenders
.
Rather
than
being locked
up in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prison
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
inmates,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offenders
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
society and become useful to their local community, and these activities would eliminate the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prisons
can have.

In conclusion
, it is true the re-offenders are one of the problems in our community; it can
be solved
by focusing rehabilitation
rather
than punishment itself.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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Amy Chua

IELTS essay Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem? v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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