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Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages? v. 140 v.30

Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages? v. 140 v. 30
The museum is the site which represents the countries history and culture and its purpose is to educate people and attract tourists. Recently it has been controversial that some gallery charge entry fee, while others offer free of cost. Although this phenomena lead to negative impact, but I believe there is far more benefits. Firstly, the foundation and historical kind of places are run by government funds. So, that place for which entrance fee is required has determined impacts on people, society, and the museum themselves. People are discouraged to visit these places and are unable to assess the information and knowledge specially the poor because they cannot afford such amount. The purpose of such places is to give knowledge is left behind. For example, one of my tourist friends is interested in exploring free places instead of going to place which cost them extra money. Therefore the informative places must be free of permit to accomplish their purpose. Secondly, I am convinced that museums should charge entry ticket which bring more advantages. The museum will have money to operate which covers their personnel cost, equipments, and furniture, electricity and water bills. The museums can generate their own revenue to improve the place effectively to attract people, for example, to update their exhibits and keep the place clean and good-looking. Having visited many museums myself, I have learnt that many museums which sell tickets are better than those that do not charge for tickets in terms of places, information, and management. In conclusion, although I recognize that the museums ticket sales can cause drawbacks to societies, I believe that museums should not remain free for all so as to be operated and developed most effectively.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
is the site which represents the countries history and culture and its purpose is to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and attract tourists. Recently it has been controversial that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
gallery charge entry fee, while others offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
of cost. Although
Did you mean "these"?
this
phenomena lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe there is far more benefits.

Firstly
, the foundation and historical kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
are run
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
funds.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
for which entrance fee
is required
has determined impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, society, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
themselves.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are discouraged
to visit these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
and are unable to assess the information and knowledge
specially
the poor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they cannot afford such amount. The purpose of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
is to give knowledge is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
behind.
For example
, one of my tourist friends
is interested
in exploring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
instead
of going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
which cost them extra money.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
the informative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
of permit to accomplish their purpose.

Secondly
, I
am convinced
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
should charge entry
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
which bring more advantages. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
will have money to operate which covers their personnel cost, equipments, and furniture, electricity and water bills. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
can generate their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
revenue to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
effectively
to attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
for example
, to update their exhibits and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
clean and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
-looking. Having visited
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
myself, I have
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
which sell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
are better than those that do not charge for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
, information, and management.

In conclusion
, although I recognize that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
sales can cause drawbacks to societies, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
should not remain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
for all
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
be operated
and developed most
effectively
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages? v. 140 v. 30

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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