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Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages? v.18

Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages? v. 18
There are two types of museums in terms of payment. One of them is that visitors must pay some amount of money which is determined by museum’s officials and another option is free entrance. I will intend to dwell on pros and cons about paying money while visiting the museum in the following paragraphs. First of all, charging people for admission to museums provide some benefits to both visitors and owners of the museum. One of the advantages is that being crowded museum might be prevented by paying money for visiting the museum. For example, if people have to spend money for entering the museum, most of the people may do not prefer to visit it because of the saving money. By this result, museums are not very crowded thus people charging money, can enjoy freely visiting. Last but not least, only curious people visit the museum hence museums achieve their purpose. On the other hand, some people, especially students can not visit these museums due to the payment. Because most of the students do not working so they do not have any income. As a consequent of this, some of them may not want to spend their money for museums. However, if museums were free, pupils would have visited them and would learn a lot of things from them. Also, they can improve their knowledge by visiting them. To sum up, there are some advantages of charging people for admission to museums in terms of reducing crowd and serving only concerned people. In my opinion, advantages of paying money to enter museums outweigh the disadvantages. I think, this payment should be too expensive. It should be affordable particularly unemployed.
There are two types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
in terms of payment. One of them is that visitors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
pay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which
is determined
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum’s
officials and another option is free entrance. I will intend to dwell on pros and cons about paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
while visiting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
in the following paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, charging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for admission to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits to both visitors and owners of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
. One of the advantages is that
being crowded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
might be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
by paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for visiting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
.
For example
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for entering the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may do not prefer to visit it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. By this result,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crowded
thus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
charging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, can enjoy
freely
visiting. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
curious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
visit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
achieve their purpose.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
students can not visit these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
due to the payment.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
most of the students do not working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they do not have any income. As a consequent of this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them may not want to spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
.
However
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
were free, pupils would have visited them and would learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
things from them.
Also
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their knowledge by visiting them.

To sum up, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages of charging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for admission to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
in terms of reducing crowd and serving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
concerned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In my opinion, advantages of paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to enter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
outweigh the disadvantages. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, this payment should be too expensive. It should be affordable
particularly
unemployed.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages? v. 18

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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