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Many museum charges for admission while others are free. Do you think advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages? v.3

Visiting museums is becoming increasingly popular owing to the fact that one can experience rich history and heritage. But, with the dawn of the modern era most of the museums are charging for admissions and, it’s a wise decision because it will help museums from getting ruined but, this decision also comes with a disadvantage that charging admission fees will prevent those enthusiastic and genuine people who aren’t able to afford fees. In my opinion, saving museums from getting destroyed is far more important that allowing deserving people. In this day and age, cost to maintain ancient museums is increasing and thus if by any chance visiting masses wreck artifacts, then it will add pressure on maintainance department. This is because plethora of people will enter museums everyday and only few of them are serious. For example, irresponsible pupils will just visit museums for recreation and they will perform silly activities like scribbling on wall, touching worn out ancient models, etc. Thus, proposing fees for admission will seldom lead to any disturbance as well as prevent added cost on renovating museums. Rapid increase in importance of art and culture awareness has escalated number of history lovers but, due to imposition of entry fees many people are hesitant to enter museums. Many people find entry fees so expensive that they are not willing to go museums. For instance, survey conducted by Ministry of tourism revealed that in India there were 2003 history students who wanted to carry out projects on museums but due to expensive admission fees only 10% of them were able to carry out projects. Therefore, disadvantage of this policy is that it will not help in wide recognisition of intrinsic culture of any state or country. Charging fees to numerous number of people visiting museums has always been a point of debate because it has advantages and disadvantages. Museums are enormous source of information regarding our past but, they are also keepsake for our future generations. Thus, they should be nurtured and maintained and therefore, demanding admission fees is always advantageous.
Visiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
is becoming
increasingly
popular owing to the fact that one can experience rich history and heritage.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, with the dawn of the modern era most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
are charging for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admissions
and, it’s a wise decision
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
from getting ruined
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, this decision
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with a disadvantage that charging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
those enthusiastic and genuine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who aren’t able to afford
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
. In my opinion, saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
from getting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
is far more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that allowing deserving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In this day and age, cost to maintain ancient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
is increasing and
thus
if by any chance visiting masses wreck artifacts, then it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
pressure on
Possible spelling mistake found.
maintainance
department. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
plethora of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will enter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
‘Everyday’ is an adjective. Did you mean “every day”?
everyday
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
few of them are serious.
For example
, irresponsible pupils will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
for
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
recreation and
they will perform silly activities like scribbling on wall, touching worn out ancient models, etc.
Thus
, proposing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
will seldom lead to any disturbance
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
cost on renovating museums.

Rapid increase in importance of art and culture awareness has escalated number of history lovers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, due to imposition of entry
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are hesitant to enter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
find entry
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
expensive that they are not willing to go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
.
For instance
, survey conducted by Ministry of tourism revealed that in India there were 2003 history students who wanted to carry out projects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
due to expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
10% of them were able to carry out projects.
Therefore
, disadvantage of this policy is that it will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in wide
Possible spelling mistake found.
recognisition
of intrinsic culture of any state or country.

Charging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
to numerous number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
visiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
has always been a point of debate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has advantages and disadvantages.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museums
are enormous source of information regarding our past
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, they are
also
keepsake for our future generations.
Thus
, they should
be nurtured
and maintained and
therefore
, demanding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
is always advantageous.
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Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay Many museum charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
343 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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