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Many high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. v.6

Many high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. v. 6
In recent years, the role of women in society has changed to a great extent and their contribution is increasingly important. However, it is noticeable that higher positions in firms are still managed by men, although women account for half of the workforce in developed countries. While some people claim that women should be promoted more to hold these positions, I personally disagree with this idea. My disagreement is not about women working in these positions, rather allocating a certain percentage for them. The first reason for my opinion is that recruiting should not be based on candidates' gender, but qualification and aptitude. This is because choosing people who cannot adapt working condition will make companies confront with many difficulties- even this can affect profit, productivity and public image of a company. For instance, in my brother’s workplace, a woman was recruited in a higher position only because she was a relative of the owner. In few months the management had to replace her with a more competent employee. Therefore, a company should always choose the best people in order to develop its operation. If a female candidate seems more promising or if an existing female employee has excellent capabilities, there should not be any problem in recruiting or promoting a woman in a higher position. However important posts in a company should not be reserved for women only. Again, if percentage or number is the most crucial factor, I would say children should also be promoted to higher positions in a company in a developing country as their percentage in factories and industries in those countries is also high. Furthermore, despite the development of our society, women still play an important role in our family. This can have negative effects on organisations if they cannot leave their personal worries behind and work in decision-making and important positions. In conclusion, I strongly believe that employees should be recruited according to their expertise and talent. It is therefore recommended that women who want to play important roles in an organisation should attempt to gain high qualifications, skills. They should not be favoured only because of their gender.
In recent years, the role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in society has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
to a great extent and their contribution is
increasingly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
.
However
, it is noticeable that higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
in firms are
still
managed by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
account for half of the workforce in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
be promoted
more to hold these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
, I
personally
disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. My disagreement is not about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
working in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
,
rather
allocating a certain percentage for them.

The
first
reason for my opinion is that recruiting should not
be based
on candidates' gender,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
qualification and aptitude. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
choosing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who cannot adapt working condition will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
confront with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
difficulties- even this can affect profit, productivity and public image of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
.
For instance
, in my brother’s workplace, a woman
was recruited
in a higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she was a relative of the owner. In few months the management had to replace her with a more competent employee.
Therefore
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
should always choose the best
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in order to develop its operation. If a female candidate seems more promising or if an existing female employee has excellent capabilities, there should not be any problem in recruiting or promoting a woman in a higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
posts in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
should not
be reserved
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.

Again, if percentage or number is the most crucial factor, I would say children should
also
be promoted
to higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing country
as their percentage in factories and industries in those countries is
also
high.
Furthermore
, despite the development of our society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
still
play an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
role in our family. This can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
if they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their personal worries behind and work in decision-making and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
positions.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that employees should
be recruited
according to their expertise and talent. It is
therefore
recommended that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who want to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
roles in an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
should attempt to gain high qualifications,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. They should not be
Possible spelling mistake. 'favoured' is British English.
favoured
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their gender.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Many high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
356 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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