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Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people; however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people; however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. 7mbb
The leading direction and focus of one’s government are indispensable with the future of the nations the its people. A lot of governments by far weigh the financial growth over the development in other areas. However, some people make firm voice on that the government should not overlook to the areas such as welfare system to build the country stronger in longer term. In my opinion, finding the balance between two views, as both are evenly crucial, is the key of the advanced country. In general, the financial needs of the nation inevitable in many ways. Firstly, the growth of the economic market in own country provides many more job opportunities to people. Moreover, a solid financial foundation allows further developments in high technology industries and also improves its environment such as road, bridges and buildings which make the residents life more convenient. Nevertheless, if the government focus heavily only in economic system, it can demand unfair amount of work from the workers without considering the wellness of the workers. For example, there was a death of young employee who work at the metal plant in South Korea. The ignorance of the care for their employee lead this tragic as the company cared only to the numbers. On the other hand, there are other areas that are important to be progress continuously. Such as welfare and education system can effectively minimize the root of the society issues, which are directly impacting on the quality of the one’s life. For instance, there is a problem in many countries that are significant decreasing in the birth rate, which causing serious problems in a nation. This is going to enormously effect the future of the country in long-term. So, if the government put the priorities in development and application of the practical policy to support and to encourage people to have more children, it will not only eliminate the development of issues for government but also for individual’s life. For those reasons, I think it is important for government to maintain a holistic view when they make decisions in choosing the focal points in their strategies and policies by examining and considering different areas as much as the economic area. Especially the sectors need to be included where the major issues of its society that can cause long-term laid.
The leading direction and focus of one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
are indispensable with the future of the nations the its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
by far weigh the financial growth over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
firm voice on that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should not overlook to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
such as welfare system to build the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
stronger in longer term. In my opinion, finding the balance between two views, as both are
evenly
crucial, is the key of the advanced country.

In general
, the financial needs of the nation inevitable in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.
Firstly
, the growth of the economic market in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more job opportunities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Moreover
, a solid financial foundation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
further
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developments
in high technology industries and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
its environment such as road, bridges and buildings which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "residents'" or "resident's"?
residents
life more convenient.
Nevertheless
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
focus
heavily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in economic system, it can demand unfair amount of work from the workers without considering the wellness of the workers.
For example
, there was a death of young employee who work at the metal plant in South Korea. The ignorance of the care for their employee lead this tragic as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
cared
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to the numbers.

On the other hand
, there are other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
that are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to be progress
continuously
. Such as welfare and education system can
effectively
minimize the root of the society issues, which are
directly
impacting on the quality of the one’s life.
For instance
, there is a problem in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
that are significant decreasing in the birth rate, which causing serious problems in a nation. This is going to
enormously
effect the future of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
in long-term.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
put the priorities in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
and application of the practical policy to support and to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have more children, it will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
eliminate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of issues for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for individual’s life.

For those reasons, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to maintain a holistic view when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
decisions in choosing the focal points in their strategies and policies by examining and considering
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
as much as the economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
.
Especially
the sectors need to
be included
where the major issues of its society that can cause long-term laid.
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IELTS essay Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people; however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
386 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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