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Many feel that happiness is mainly an individual responsibility while others feel that there are important external factors. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

Many feel that happiness is mainly an individual responsibility while others feel that there are important external factors. v. 2
Individual wellbeing is an extremely significant aspect of anyone's life. However, It is argued whether an individual is responsible for this himself or there are vital external components which contribute to one's happiness. This essay will oppose these views and explain why both of these factors play a key role in one's well being. To begin with, it might be justifiable, why a person needs certain aspects to feel happy. Indeed, basic life needs definitely should be met as such factors, like hunger or the absence of home or close people, pose obstacles for one to live to the fullest. To illustrate, It is not lack of internal motivation which makes starving children of Africa feel miserable, but their current situation that threats their lives. Thus, certain components of life do have to be present for people to be delighted. However, it is by no means the case that if a person is well-off and live in prosperity, he will not blame the fate for his unhappiness. In the light of the fast pace of life some people have forgotten how to enjoy simple things, such as the presence of food, home and family, which they might not have had, if they have occurred to be in a different situation. For instance, even the wealthiest people may suffer from depression while having everything in life to feel happy and grateful to their fate. Thereby, people should have the internal ability to accept the situation which might not be as perfect as they think and to be satisfied with what they have. In conclusion, individual happiness is immensely significant factor for everyone, which is, although, stems from both: external factors like basic life needs and one's responsibility for his own happiness.
Individual
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
is an
extremely
significant aspect of anyone's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
However
, It
is argued
whether an individual is responsible for this himself or there are vital external components which contribute to one's happiness. This essay will oppose these views and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why both of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
play a key role in one's
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it might be justifiable, why a person needs certain aspects to feel happy.
Indeed
, basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
needs definitely should
be met
as such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
, like hunger or the absence of home or close
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, pose obstacles for one to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
to the fullest. To illustrate, It is not lack of internal motivation which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
starving children of Africa feel miserable,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
situation that threats their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Thus
, certain components of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be present for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
be delighted
.

However
, it is by no means the case that if a person is well-off and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in prosperity, he will not blame the fate for his unhappiness. In the light of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
pace of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have forgotten how to enjoy simple things, such as the presence of food, home and family, which they might not have had, if they have occurred to be in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
situation.
For instance
, even the wealthiest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may suffer from depression while having everything in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to feel happy and grateful to their fate. Thereby,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have the internal ability to accept the situation which might not be as perfect as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
and to
be satisfied
with what they have.

In conclusion
, individual happiness is
immensely
significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
for everyone, which is, although, stems from both: external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
like basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
needs and one's responsibility for his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
happiness.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many feel that happiness is mainly an individual responsibility while others feel that there are important external factors. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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