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Many feel that happiness is mainly an individual responsibility, while others feel that there are important external factors. Discuss both views and give your own opinion v.1

Many feel that happiness is mainly an individual responsibility, while others feel that there are important external factors. 1
The meaning of happiness is different for everyone, some people argue that economic prosperity, increased wages and reduced commodity prices are few factors that have a direct influence on happiness, while others claim that good interpersonal relationships, family bonding, healthiness and socialising contribute a lot in attaining happiness. Firstly, there is no doubt that people with good jobs and businesses have more prosperous lives than others ordinary citizen of the society, one of the reasons is that they have the financial capacity to fulfil their desires and buy things that give them pleasure. They are not confined to any boundaries while purchasing items of their interest such as mobile, laptop, cars etc. However, perpetual efforts are required to sustain this wealthy lifestyle that could have a dire consequence on their personal life in the long run due to lack of attention and care towards family members. However, health is a pivotal constituent of happy life. This is not surprising that a healthy person enjoys a lucrative lifestyle and has more tendencies to participate in diverse activities that could be a source of joy for him. Additionally, healthy relations among family members and immediate social circle make people happier and relax, for example, children feel more happiness while playing with their friends or when they received toys that not even worth a lot of money. Family relationship, personal aim and desire and a peaceful mind are other important aspects of being happy in our life. While money can ensure materialistic happiness, a poor can be happier than a rich in many cases. An honest and contented person can be a happy person regardless of his economic status. To sum up, I would like to say that role of economic success is indispensable for achieving happiness but others factors have also a great consideration in this regard. Even rich people with physical or psychological defectiveness are unable to enjoy the true colour of life.
The meaning of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
for everyone,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that economic prosperity, increased wages and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
commodity prices are few factors that have a direct influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, while others claim that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
interpersonal relationships, family bonding, healthiness and
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialising' is British English.
socialising
contribute a lot in attaining happiness.

Firstly
, there is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
jobs and businesses have more prosperous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
than others ordinary citizen of the society, one of the reasons is that they have the financial capacity to fulfil their desires and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things that give them pleasure. They are not confined to any boundaries while purchasing items of their interest such as mobile, laptop, cars etc.
However
, perpetual efforts
are required
to sustain this wealthy lifestyle that could have a dire consequence on their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in the long run due to lack of attention and care towards family members.

However
, health is a pivotal constituent of happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. This is not surprising that a healthy person enjoys a lucrative lifestyle and has more tendencies to participate in diverse activities that could be a source of joy for him.
Additionally
, healthy relations among family members and immediate social circle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
happier and relax,
for example
, children feel more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
while playing with their friends or when they received toys that not even worth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money.

Family relationship, personal aim and desire and a peaceful mind are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspects of being happy in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. While money can ensure materialistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, a poor can be happier than a rich in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases. An honest and contented person can be a happy person regardless of his economic status.

To sum up, I would like to say that role of economic success is indispensable for achieving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others factors have
also
a great consideration in this regard. Even rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with physical or psychological defectiveness are unable to enjoy the true
Possible spelling mistake. 'colour' is British English.
colour
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many feel that happiness is mainly an individual responsibility, while others feel that there are important external factors. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
322 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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