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Many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced? v.8

Many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced? v. 8
Many doctors believe that using pc games for a period of time can have a detrimental effect on the human mental and physical capabilities while becoming a permanent impediment factor in their academic and professional career. However, The origin of this situation seems to stem from mainly two causes although several solutions remain open to us. In this essay, the causes and solutions will be discussed and given a concluding view. Perhaps one of the most significant and inevitable problem is the lack of attention. This means that especially the young children find it difficult to place their attention on the subjects they are studying in the class which can lead to decline in their academic score while dropping their attention level to ground zero. In addition to this, young children are often reluctant to put their energies in the physical game because it requires endurance, stamina and willingness to put hard work to the game. Secondly, In today' s technology-focussed world, most of the pc games are built on the 3d view with infinite cool features which makes it hard for the young students to resist the temptation and concentrate on boring physical game with requires lot of practice, strength and a regular work-out. Furthermore, these children have indulged to themselves in games that they often don' t take meal on time. There are many solutions to this problem but we are going to discuss some of the effective solutions which can helps us to overcome this obstruction. Firstly, schools can incorporate mental and physical games as a part of school curriculum while parents can try to encourage students to actively participate in these games by reducing their attention towards game. Furthermore, school institutes can organize the game events with prizes while highlighting the benefits of it mainly at academic level. It can act as a trigger to arouse students interest in these activities Secondly, It will help students to become more proactive by removing sluggishness and productive throughout their class. In conclusion, If a joint effort would be taken by school and parents then it can certainly drop the usage of games on children' s which can be a beneficial factor for their academic and professional life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
doctors believe that using
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pc
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for a period of time can have a detrimental effect on the human mental and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
capabilities while becoming a permanent impediment factor in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
and professional career.

However
, The origin of this situation seems to stem from
mainly
two causes although several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
remain open to us. In this essay, the causes and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
will
be discussed
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a concluding view.

Perhaps one of the most significant and inevitable problem is the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
. This means that
especially
the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
find it difficult to place their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
on the subjects they are studying in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
which can lead to decline in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
score while dropping their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
level to ground zero.
In addition
to this, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
reluctant to put their energies in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
game
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it requires endurance, stamina and willingness to put
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work to the game.
Secondly
, In
Possible spelling mistake found.
today&
#039; s technology-focussed world, most of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
pc
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are built
on the 3d view with infinite cool features which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to resist the temptation and concentrate on boring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
game with requires
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
practice, strength and a regular work-out.
Furthermore
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have indulged to themselves in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t take meal on time.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
to this problem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we are going to discuss
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us to overcome this obstruction.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can incorporate mental and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as a part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum while parents can try to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
actively
participate in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
by reducing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
towards game.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
institutes can organize the game
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
with prizes while highlighting the benefits of it
mainly
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
level. It can act as a trigger to arouse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
interest in these activities
Secondly
, It will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to become more proactive by removing sluggishness and productive throughout their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.

In conclusion
, If a joint effort would
be taken
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and parents then it can
certainly
drop the usage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s which can be a beneficial factor for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
and professional life.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced? v. 8

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
369 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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