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Many countries aim to improve their living standard by economic development, but some important social values are lost as a result. Do you think the advantages of economic development outweigh the disadvantages?

Many countries aim to improve their living standard by economic development, but some important social values are lost as a result. Do you think the advantages of economic development outweigh the disadvantages? o0DK
Many leaders around the world believe that improving a country’s economy will bring developments in many other aspects of a country. However, some people point out that focusing too much on financial prosperity has caused traditional values to be forgotten. Although I agree with their view to some extent, I believe that the benefits brought by a good economy far outweigh its drawbacks. Admittedly, there are a few downsides to placing too much importance on economic growth. Striving for the financial gain can cause citizens to become money oriented and more materialistic. People overindulge in luxuries and eventually, traditional societal values such as value of moderation rather than excess are lost. Happiness will be defined by one’s material possessions and children will think that everything can be bought with money. Moreover, parents are so busy working for money that they overlook the importance of family and the value of a close knit family is often forgotten as a consequence. On the other hand, a financially stable country has many advantages over a poor nation. A healthy economy means better job opportunities, high employment rates and higher income for the citizens. An economically strong government can invest in the country’s infrastructures such as schools, hospitals and transport networks resulting in more educated and healthier citizens who enjoy higher living standards. This can lead to a significant reduction in many social and health problems such as illiteracy, crimes and poverty related diseases that are faced by countries with financial limitations. Moreover, it is generally true that the happiest countries in the world are the ones that are doing financially well such as Norway and Denmark. In conclusion, I believe that every country needs to work towards financial development as it brings many advantages for its nationals. However, individuals ought to work together to attain the financial goals whilst preserving the important social values.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
leaders around the world believe that improving a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
economy will bring developments in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other aspects of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
point out that focusing too much on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
prosperity has caused traditional values to
be forgotten
. Although I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with their view to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, I believe that the benefits brought by a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
economy far outweigh its drawbacks.

Admittedly
, there are a few downsides to placing too much importance on economic growth. Striving for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
gain can cause citizens to become money oriented and more materialistic.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
overindulge in luxuries and
eventually
, traditional societal values such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
of moderation
rather
than excess
are lost
. Happiness will
be defined
by one’s material possessions and children will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that everything can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
with money.
Moreover
, parents are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
busy working for money that they overlook the importance of family and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
of a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
close knit
family is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
forgotten as a consequence.

On the other hand
, a
financially
stable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages over a poor nation. A healthy economy means better job opportunities, high employment rates and higher income for the citizens. An
economically
strong
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can invest in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
infrastructures such as schools, hospitals and transport networks resulting in more educated and healthier citizens who enjoy higher living standards. This can lead to a significant reduction in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
social and health problems such as illiteracy, crimes and poverty related diseases that
are faced
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
limitations.
Moreover
, it is
generally
true that the happiest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
in the world are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
that are doing
financially
well such as Norway and Denmark.

In conclusion
, I believe that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
needs to work towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
development as it brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages for its nationals.
However
, individuals ought to work together to attain the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
goals whilst preserving the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
social values.

IELTS essay Many countries aim to improve their living standard by economic development, but some important social values are lost as a result. Do you think the advantages of economic development outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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