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Luck is the main factor that determines success. Do you agree with this statement?

Luck is the main factor that determines success. 6aOqx
Many people think that individuals can make a brilliant career and it is predictable because of their high level of luckiness. In my opinion, luck is essential in order for employees to get a lucrative job. First of all, many people from their borning are lucky because they turn out to be in wealthy families, therefore they are protected from failing in future success. Furthermore, at the start of individuals’ careers, such people from families with good financial status have already had much more opportunities and it means that they have been luckily owing to their parents. For example, it is known that Kendall Jenner was born by Kris Jenner who had her own TV-serial, as a result Kendall has become a famous model all over the world thanks to her mother. To support this point of view, people who have achieved success have not only a talent, but also were in the right place. In other words, almost every person would be successful, if they were lucky. For instance, nowadays social networks are so popular, especially Tik Tok and many individuals, who have been posting videos on this media, earn a lot of money, eventually they have become millionaires as a result of their luck. Additionally, there were many people who were nobody, but later, when they were somewhere and demonstrated their talents, impactive producers paid attention to them, as a result talented personalities have become superstars. In conclusion, I definitely give my agreement to this statement, because there are so many examples in the world when luck brings brilliant perspectives to people’s future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that individuals can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a brilliant career and it is predictable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their high level of luckiness. In my opinion, luck is essential in order for employees to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a lucrative job.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from their
Possible spelling mistake found.
borning
are lucky
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they turn out to be in wealthy families,
therefore
they
are protected
from failing in future success.
Furthermore
, at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
of individuals’ careers, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from families with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
financial status have already had much more opportunities and it means that they have been luckily owing to their parents.
For example
, it
is known
that Kendall Jenner
was born
by Kris Jenner
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
had her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
TV-serial,
as a result
Kendall has become a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
model all over the world thanks to her mother.

To support this point of view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have achieved success have not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a talent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
were in the right place.
In other words
, almost every person would be successful, if they were lucky.
For instance
, nowadays social networks are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
popular,
especially
Did you mean "TikTok" (= social networking app)?
Tik Tok
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have been posting videos on this media, earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money,
eventually
they have become millionaires
as a result
of their luck.
Additionally
, there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were nobody,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
later, when they were somewhere and demonstrated their talents, impactive producers paid attention to them,
as a result
talented personalities have become superstars.

In conclusion
, I definitely give my agreement to this statement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
examples in the world when luck brings brilliant perspectives to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
future.
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IELTS essay Luck is the main factor that determines success.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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