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Local languages that will dissapear

Local languages that will dissapear G3l6m
Some Indonesian Local languages are becoming extinct due to globalization and the language trend that influences the younger generation. Then, just a few community members can speak local languages fluently. Several people state that to save these languages by spending public money to perpetuate and develop the native speakers of local languages. Moreover, the program that the government has conceived received different responses from community members. Some people believe that the program that is held by the government is useful to make the local language exist, but on the contrary, some people think that this program is just spending a lot of money. There are a number of reasons why people are against this program. First, they may think that the money is better to use for advancing the city's facilities that may be broken, such as provincial roads. In other words, they think that this facility is more urgent than holding this program. For instance, people are more excited when a highway is opened than a local language seminar. On the contrary, some people are in favour of this program. In addition, they believe that this kind of program will provide the local community with culture and language into the tourism sector, so it'll increase the rate of economy and tourism because of the uniqueness of their culture. Then, they think that the inheritance from their ancestors must exist until the next generation. For example, in Bali, they still keep their culture and it becomes attractive for tourists. In sum, local languages may have advantages for increasing the rate of the economy in Indonesia. But I strongly believe that it's better for the Indonesian government to focus on advancing public facilities in the health and education sector. This kind of sector also helps communities to increase the average rate of their economy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
Indonesian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
are becoming extinct due to globalization and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
trend that influences the younger generation. Then,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
members can speak
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
fluently
. Several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
state that to save these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
by spending public money to perpetuate and develop the native speakers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has conceived received
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
responses from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
members.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
that
is held
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is useful to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
exist,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
on the contrary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money.

There are a number of reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are against this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
.
First
, they may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that the money is better to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
for advancing the city's facilities that may
be broken
, such as provincial roads.
In other words
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that this facility is more urgent than holding this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more excited when a highway
is opened
than a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
seminar.

On the contrary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
.
In addition
, they believe that this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
will provide the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
with culture and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
into the tourism sector,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it'll increase the rate of economy and tourism
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the uniqueness of their culture. Then, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that the inheritance from their ancestors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
exist until the
next
generation.
For example
, in Bali, they
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their culture and it becomes attractive for tourists.

In sum,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
may have advantages for increasing the rate of the economy in Indonesia.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I
strongly
believe that it's better for the Indonesian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to focus on advancing public facilities in the health and education sector. This kind of sector
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
to increase the average rate of their economy.
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IELTS essay Local languages that will dissapear

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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