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Leaders and directors is an organization normally elder people. Some people think that young people is more better. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Leaders and directors is an organization normally elder people. Some people think that young people is more better. v. 1
Shootings have been on a steep rise in some countries where arms laws are weak and people usually keep guns at home. I strongly agree that people who keep guns in household are more prone to get involved in unfortunate incidents related to the shootings. In the essay I will reason rise in crimes related to the same with examples and statistics. Firstly, guns at home give a psychological confidence to use the weapon on smallest of unwanted situations. People tend to take out their guns even on harmless intrusions be it from animals or people. For example, a girl was killed recently in Chicago by a licensed gun only because the person hated the music she played in her mobile phone. Similarly, a homeless man was shot at close range because a person hated his looks. Hence the option to use a weapon at one's choice is something uncontrolled and may be driven by any emotional surge which is very dangerous. Secondly, teens get attracted to guns and because of less awareness they are often found misusing them. For example, numerous mass shootings have been reported in US where school children shot their teachers and fellow students for small reasons. Such teens are reported to have had anger issues and when such weapons are well within their reach, it could easily result in mass killings. In Conclusion, there are numerous reasons why arms in households could be dangerous and has resulted in a rise in shootings. Stringent steps should be taken and laws must be brought to control it.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Shootings
have been on a steep rise in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries where arms laws are weak and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guns
at home. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guns
in household are more prone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in unfortunate incidents related to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shootings
. In the essay I will reason rise in crimes related to the same with examples and statistics.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guns
at home give a psychological confidence to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the weapon on smallest of unwanted situations.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
tend to take out their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guns
even on harmless intrusions be it from animals or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
, a girl
was killed
recently in Chicago by a licensed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gun
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the person hated the music she played in her mobile phone.
Similarly
, a homeless
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
was shot
at close range
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a person hated his looks.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
the option to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
a weapon at one's choice is something uncontrolled and may
be driven
by any emotional surge which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
.

Secondly
, teens
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
attracted to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guns
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of less awareness they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
found misusing them.
For example
, numerous mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shootings
have
been reported
in US where school children shot their teachers and fellow students for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
reasons. Such teens
are reported
to have had
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "angered".
anger
issues and when such weapons are well within their reach, it could
easily
result in mass killings.

In Conclusion
, there are numerous reasons why arms in households could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
and has resulted in a rise in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shootings
. Stringent steps should
be taken
and laws
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be brought
to control it.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Leaders and directors is an organization normally elder people. Some people think that young people is more better. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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