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Leaders and directors in organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leader would be better. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Leaders and directors in organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leader would be better. v. 1
These days, due to the development of the entertainment industry and digital technologies, celebrities can earn higher wages than politicians. Personally, I reckon that this tendency is a positive trend, because politics should not be a profit driven profession. First and foremost, entertainment is one of the most lucrative industries, because of developments in media distribution. Consequently, celebrities can get paid more than political leaders. A good illustration of this is famous actors, such as Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart, whose roles in movies can bring a plethora of money for the producers. Secondly, there is an opinion that well-known actors or musician can aim to higher wages, whereas authorities should not concentrate on profit, because they should be independent and transparent. That is to say, they should focus on society and its members to lead them to the prosperity. For instance, if they aim to high wages, they may forget about public wealth. On the other hand, there is an opinion that political leaders should be paid more than celebrities, because if they do not satisfy with their wages, they can commit crime, such as corruption or money laundering. In other words, authorities can commit crime, in order to improve their situation. For example, many governors, in developing countries, are keen to emigrate to the Western countries, when they steal enough money from their counties. Furthermore, their job is stressful. During their career ladder, they are supposed to be responsible for their actions. For instance, in case of trouble, citizens can blame them. After pondering this phenomenon, other individuals believe that they should be paid more than well-known actors or musicians. In conclusion, although many people tend to think that the authorities should get more wages than celebrities, personally, I believe that their occupation should not be a profit driven profession, because they are responsible for public wealth and economy.
These days, due to the development of the entertainment industry and digital technologies,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can earn higher wages than politicians.
Personally
, I reckon that this tendency is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
politics should not be a profit driven profession.

First
and foremost, entertainment is one of the most lucrative industries,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of developments in media distribution.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid more than political leaders. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
actors, such as Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart, whose roles in movies can bring a plethora of money for the producers.
Secondly
, there is an opinion that well-known actors or musician can aim to higher wages, whereas authorities should not concentrate on profit,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they should be independent and transparent.
That is
to say, they should focus on society and its members to lead them to the prosperity.
For instance
, if they aim to high wages, they may forget about public wealth.

On the other hand
, there is an opinion that political leaders should
be paid
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if they do not satisfy with their wages, they can commit crime, such as corruption or money laundering.
In other words
, authorities can commit crime, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their situation.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
governors, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
, are keen to emigrate to the Western countries, when they steal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money from their counties.
Furthermore
, their job is stressful. During their career ladder, they
are supposed
to be responsible for their actions.
For instance
, in case of trouble, citizens can blame them. After pondering this phenomenon, other individuals believe that they should
be paid
more than well-known actors or musicians.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the authorities should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more wages than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
,
personally
, I believe that their occupation should not be a profit driven profession,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are responsible for public wealth and economy.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Leaders and directors in organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leader would be better. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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