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Lately many grownups spend their leisure time hooked on to computer games.There are varied reasons for this, as would be clear from the ensuing paragraphs.

Lately many grownups spend their leisure time hooked on to computer games. There are varied reasons for this, as would be clear from the ensuing paragraphs. m9xON
Lately many grownups spend their leisure time hooked on to computer games. There are varied reasons for this, as would be clear from the ensuing paragraphs. All adults increasingly live a very busy and complicated lifestyle. They are most of the time hooked on to the net either through their laptops or through their handhelds, thus giving rise to a phenomenon of multitasking. Adults of our generation have an attention span much less compared to our parents generation, boredom creeps in easily providing the right excuse to play computer games. The social fabric has been facing erosion right since the advent of this modern technology; as a matter of fact the social matrix erosion is progressing relentlessly. Our generation has been knowingly or unknowingly being drawn into this vicious web of addiction where instant gratification begets more gratification. Besides, we have been blessed by increasing dexterity as an adaptation to the technology of our times that it seems to be smooth pursuit for many millennials of the digital generation to multitask by playing games via one hand and to multitask with the other. A section of the society has an opinion that such gaming skills helps in development of brain, cognition besides dexterity which can in addition help in decision making, strategising, surgeries, working in fields like robotics, aeronautics and complex warfare. However the deleterious effects are also significant, firstly games provide the ideal escape route from the vagaries of social interaction, hence causing individuals to be lonely, socially disconnected, furthermore, some may develop self harm and depression, apart from breakdown of family and social ethos of the community. Secondly long working hours with fingers can cause inflammation of tendons and increased screen time can lead to ocular problems. Certain violent games may cause increase in aggressive behaviours among the players. Furthermore reduced physical exercise may be detrimental to physical health. As can be deduced from the above discussion of grown ups getting hooked to computer games. I would consider it to be partially a positive development as moderation is the dharma, as an excess of anything is bad.
Lately
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
grownups spend their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
hooked on to computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. There
are varied
reasons for this, as would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from the ensuing paragraphs.

All adults
increasingly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
busy and complicated lifestyle. They are most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
hooked on to the net

either through their laptops or through their handhelds,
thus
giving rise to a phenomenon of multitasking. Adults of our generation have an attention span much less compared to our parents generation, boredom creeps in
easily
providing the right excuse to play computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
fabric has been facing erosion right since the advent of this modern technology; as a matter of fact the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
matrix erosion is progressing
relentlessly
. Our generation has been
knowingly
or
unknowingly
being drawn
into this vicious web of addiction where instant gratification begets more gratification.
Besides
, we have
been blessed
by increasing dexterity as an adaptation to the technology of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
that it seems to be smooth pursuit for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
millennials of the digital generation to multitask by playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
via one hand and

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
to
multitask with the other. A section of the society has an opinion that such gaming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in development of brain, cognition
besides
dexterity which can
in addition
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'strategising' is British English.
strategising
, surgeries, working in fields like robotics, aeronautics and complex warfare.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
the deleterious effects are
also
significant,
firstly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
provide the ideal escape route from the vagaries of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
interaction,
hence
causing individuals to be lonely,
socially
disconnected,
furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may develop self harm and depression, apart from breakdown of family and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
ethos of the community.
Secondly
long working hours with fingers can cause inflammation of tendons and increased screen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
can lead to ocular problems. Certain violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
may cause increase in aggressive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
among the players.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
physical exercise may be detrimental to physical health.

“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
can
be deduced
from the above discussion of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
grown ups
getting hooked to computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. I would

consider it to be
partially
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development as moderation is the dharma, as an excess of anything is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
.
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IELTS essay Lately many grownups spend their leisure time hooked on to computer games. There are varied reasons for this, as would be clear from the ensuing paragraphs.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
349 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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