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Kids at Young age like to spend their time on playing and on practicing sports

Kids at Young age like to spend their time on playing and on practicing sports nNDn2
Nowadays, most of the children spend their leisure time in playing online games rather then playing outside. But some young children spend their most of the time in playing sports. On the other hand some children spend their leisure time in reading book or focusing on their studies. However it has both advantages and disadvantages. First of all, sports is beneficial for our health because playing and practicing sports is one type of exercise for our body. It helps us to prevent from many several diseases regarding our bones and back. It also help us to relax our mind when we are stress. We can relax It by playing some sports. So we can feel better and also it help us to reduce the stress. Therefore we can have a great health. Sports not only improve our health but it can develop many skills like communication, collaborate with others. During the sports we can meet many people and make a lot of friends. We can experience some new things while working or playing with them. On the other hand, while playing sports we cannot neglect our studies. Sports is really very good but we cannot play it too much. It also affects our studies. We has to focus on our studies. While I have seen some children that they are not good in studies but they are very good in sports. Therefore there life is all around the sports. Atlast, I believe that kids should play sports but not too much over their studies. They can play for 2 to 3 hours a day and rest of the time for studies. Like this way they can maintain both studies and their health and fitness.
Nowadays, most of the
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children
spend their leisure
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time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
online games
rather
Did you mean "than"? 'than' is used for comparisons, 'then' is an expression of time.
then
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playing
outside.
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But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
young
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children
spend their most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
On the other hand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in reading book or focusing on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
it has both advantages and disadvantages.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is beneficial for our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
and practicing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is one type of exercise for our body. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
several diseases regarding our bones and back. It
also
Did you mean "helps"?
help
us to relax our mind when we are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. We can relax It by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
we can feel better and
also
it
Did you mean "helps"?
help
us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
we can have a great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our
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health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it can develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
like communication, collaborate with others. During the
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sports
we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
friends. We can experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
new things while working or
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playing
with them.

On the other hand
, while
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playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
we cannot neglect our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
is
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we cannot play it too much. It
also
affects our
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studies
. We
Possible agreement error -- use base form here: "have", "haven".
has
to focus on our
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studies
. While I have
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seen
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some
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children
that they are not
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good
in
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studies
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but
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
there life is all around the sports.

Possible spelling mistake found.
Atlast
, I believe that kids should play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not too much over their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
. They can play for 2 to 3 hours a day and rest of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
. Like this way they can maintain both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and fitness.
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IELTS essay Kids at Young age like to spend their time on playing and on practicing sports

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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