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It was a beautiful sunny day where the high spirit and a smile where drown in my lips

It was a beautiful sunny day where the high spirit and a smile where drown in my lips 7PRM6
It was a beautiful sunny day where the high spirit and a smile where drown in my lips. I was very happy that monday, suddenly my heart beat faster and faster while my breath got slower and slower, so my eyes couldn’t realize the reality of what they saw. It was a nightmare on a sunny day because my sister passed away. In that day the sun light turned black and cold. I lost my cognitive sense for my surroundings. My body was frozen and I couldn’t control my movements I felt like I’m under a curse. my mind stopped thinking and get paralysis I couldn’t think or know what was going on around me. I lost my appetite, not only for food also for talking. I tried hard to break the curse on my body and hardly moved my legs toward the house. I was scared and didn’t know what was happening. with all fears and hesitater I opened the door and entered the house. I walked through the garden with slow steps. I felt lost in the house that I have lived i all my life in it. Without any attention of me my legs walked me inside the house with careful steps on the hallway, they lead me to my grandfather room. I saw my grandfather awake and in good health. I stopped breathing and my heart started beating so fast I started jogging to the hall where i saw my aunts setting. I went to them and said hello to them with the echo of the sounds in the hall I felt my body vibrate. I took a deep breath then I turned back and I started walking quickly toward the kitchen where it was crowded with the staff. I looked for my mother in the crowd. I found her with sad face and her eyes were swollen from weeping. My eyes were asking my mother a lot of questions, but she only answered one. She said ‘your sister was sick and we took her to the hospital’. She stopped talking for a few seconds and then she said ‘‘Your sister died’’. I was shocked when I heard the words I couldn’t believe that. I ran to my room and closed the door. I sat on my bed wondering is it true or not. I stood up, took off my Stoop, and went to the bathroom where my eyes started raining a storm of tears. I put my hand on my mouth but couldn’t stop crying. I cried and cried for long, but a powerful magician couldn't make spell to return her. On that day, for the remainder of high school. I was afraid of black Monday. I lost my dear sister but her memory will istay in my mind as long as I live. In sad moments people think that its the ending of the sweet happy moment, but they are wrong. I lost two beautiful angels sisters and one brother. On the other hand, I have still three beautiful sisters who have made our live like blooming flowers with happiness and have renewall the hope of a beautiful life. Also the dead are kept alive by their wonderful memories with us. Allows remember after long dark and cold winter there is a beautiful sunny spring.
It was a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beautiful
sunny
It is better to use 'day' with the time-relative pronoun 'when': "day when". (Alternatively, use 'in/on which')
day where
the high spirit and a smile where drown in my lips. I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
happy that
Possible spelling mistake found.
monday
,
suddenly
my heart beat faster and faster while my breath
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
slower and slower,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eyes
couldn’t realize the reality of what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
. It was a nightmare on a sunny day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sister
passed away. In that day the sun light turned black and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lost
my cognitive sense for my surroundings. My body
was frozen
and I couldn’t control my movements I felt like I’m under a curse.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
my
mind
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
thinking and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paralysis I couldn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
or know what was going on around me. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lost
my appetite, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for food
also
for talking. I tried
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to break the curse on my body and hardly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
my legs toward the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
was scared
and didn’t know what was happening.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
with
all fears and
Possible spelling mistake found.
hesitater
I opened the door and entered the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
. I walked through the garden with slow steps. I felt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lost
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
that I have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
i all my life in it. Without any attention of me my legs walked me inside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
with careful steps on the hallway, they lead me to my grandfather room. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
my grandfather awake and in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
breathing and my heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
beating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
jogging to the hall where
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
my aunts setting.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
went to them and said hello to them with the echo of the sounds in the hall I felt my body vibrate.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
took a deep breath then I turned back and I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
walking
quickly
toward the kitchen where it
was crowded
with the staff.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
looked for my mother in the crowd.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
found her with sad face and her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eyes
were swollen
from weeping. My
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eyes
were asking my mother
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
questions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
answered one. She said ‘your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sister
was
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
sick and
we took her to the hospital’. She
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
talking for a few
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
seconds and
then she said ‘‘Your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sister
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
’’. I
was shocked
when I heard the words I couldn’t believe that. I ran to my room and closed the door.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
sat on my bed wondering is it true or not.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
stood up, took off my Stoop, and went to the bathroom where my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eyes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
raining a storm of tears.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
put my hand on my mouth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
couldn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
crying.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
cried and cried for long,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a powerful magician couldn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
spell to return her. On that day, for the remainder of high school. I was afraid of black Monday. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lost
my dear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sister
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
her memory will
Possible spelling mistake found.
istay
in my mind as long as I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. In sad moments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
the ending of the sweet happy moment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lost
two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beautiful
angels
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sisters
and one brother.
On the other hand
, I have
still
three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beautiful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sisters
who have made our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
like blooming flowers with happiness and have
Possible spelling mistake found.
renewall
the hope of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beautiful
life.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
the dead are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
alive by their wonderful memories with us.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Allows
Please check whether 'to' is missing here (to allow to do something).
remember
after long dark and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
winter there is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beautiful
sunny spring.

IELTS essay It was a beautiful sunny day where the high spirit and a smile where drown in my lips

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
551 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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