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It is sad that life is becoming increasingly stressful for most people. What is the reason of this phenomenon and how could this problem be solved? v.1

It is sad that life is becoming increasingly stressful for most people. What is the reason of this phenomenon and how could this problem be solved? v. 1
Some sociologists believe that in the past people were more relaxed and felt happier than today. Science and technology progress and increase of population have changed our lives tremendously and nowadays, it is obvious that the number of people who feel stressed is continuously growing. Firstly, people are stressed for professional reasons. It is not easy to find a job and almost every work position is very competitive. Thus, from an impressive amount of interviewers employers choose only selected people who are the best in their fields. Often employers use this situation while decrease the salaries or break employees working rights. Secondly, because people work extra hours they spend less time with their families. In this case, there are two unhappy sides, the parents who are stressed and tired after a hard working day and kids, who are deprived of parental attention. In addition, people are stressed because they spend less time on the nature. It is a well-known fact that for the positive mood we need to get some fresh air and sunshine. The situation may get better when governments will protect the rights of employees. The government of Finland, for instance, have decided to decrease the number of official working days from five to four. Thus, people will have more time for healthy sleep, recovering their physical conditions, time for travels and their families. In conclusion, I would like to emphasize that I hope the governments of all countries will start to protect the working rights and look after psychological conditions of their citizens very soon.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
sociologists believe that in the past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were more relaxed and felt happier than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. Science and technology progress and increase of population have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
tremendously
and nowadays, it is obvious that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stressed
is
continuously
growing.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stressed
for professional reasons. It is not easy to find a job and almost every work position is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
competitive.
Thus
, from an impressive amount of interviewers employers choose
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
selected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are the best in their fields.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Often
employers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this situation while decrease the salaries or break employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
rights.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work extra hours they spend less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their families.
In this case
, there are two unhappy sides, the parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stressed
and tired after a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
day and kids,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are deprived
of parental attention.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stressed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they spend less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on the nature.
It is a well-known fact that
for the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
mood we need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fresh air and sunshine.

The situation may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
will protect the rights of employees. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
of Finland,
for instance
, have decided to decrease the number of official
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
days from five to four.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for healthy sleep, recovering their physical conditions,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for travels and their families.

In conclusion
, I would like to emphasize that I hope the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
of all countries will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to protect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
rights and look after psychological conditions of their citizens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay It is sad that life is becoming increasingly stressful for most people. What is the reason of this phenomenon and how could this problem be solved? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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