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It is right that university graduates should earn more money than those without,for they believe that the former have sweated and sacrificed more

It is right that university graduates should earn more money than those without, for they believe that the former have sweated and sacrificed more pLAky
sacrificed more Nowadays, having a university degree is a opportunity to receive a high position in a labor market. I tend to agree that the academic qualifications are necessary to improve your career and people with such knowledge should have higher income especially in jobs needed well-educated staff. From the one hand, university graduates have to invest a considerable amount of time and effort into gaining their qualifications. Usually It takes 4 or 6 years of studying to acquire knowledge, skills and training required for important jobs. For example, doctors are required to complete a university and at least two years training to be able to work in medical institutions. Therefore, it seems to be reasonable for university graduates to make more money than people without this qualifications. Another important issue is that every society demands well-qualified workers in all spheres. Representatives of such professions as lawyers, doctors and teachers never finish their education. Even though they have already finished universities, but every year take courses on advanced training. It is reasonable to pay an appropriate amount of money for high quality services, especially when our life or health depends from it. Moreover, an education is quite expensive in our days, and lots of students work hard for being able to pay for their studying. And it is fair to admit that some people are more responsible towards others always trying to use effectively their time, while others live like parasites. To conclude, there are important proofs supporting the statement that qualified people should be paid more wages because of their efforts in studying at university. Also many jobs demand skilled and educated workers, who will sacrifice the time to study all their life, which means an appropriate payment.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
sacrificed
more

Nowadays, having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
degree is
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
opportunity to receive a high position in a labor market. I tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the academic qualifications are necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
your career and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with such knowledge should have higher income
especially
in jobs needed well-educated staff.

From the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
graduates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
invest a considerable amount of time and effort into gaining their qualifications.
Usually
It takes 4 or 6 years of studying to acquire knowledge,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and training required for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
jobs.
For example
, doctors
are required
to complete a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
and at least two years training to be able to work in medical institutions.
Therefore
, it seems to be reasonable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
graduates to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more money than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
without
Did you mean "these"?
this
qualifications.

Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
issue is that every society demands well-qualified workers in all spheres. Representatives of such professions as lawyers, doctors and teachers never finish their education.
Even though
they have already finished
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
every year take courses on advanced training. It is reasonable to pay an appropriate amount of money for high quality services,
especially
when our life or health
The verb 'to depend' requires the preposition '(up)on': "depends on".
depends
from it.

Moreover
, an education is quite expensive in our days, and lots of students work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for being able to pay for their studying. And it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
to admit that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more responsible towards others always trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
effectively
their time, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
like parasites.

To conclude
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
proofs supporting the statement that qualified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be paid
more wages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their efforts in studying at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
jobs demand skilled and educated workers, who will sacrifice the time to study all their life, which means an appropriate payment.
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IELTS essay It is right that university graduates should earn more money than those without, for they believe that the former have sweated and sacrificed more

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
289 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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