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It is often said that governments spend too much money on projects to protect wildlife, while there are other problems that are more important? Do you agree or disagree? v.9

It is often said that governments spend too much money on projects to protect wildlife, while there are other problems that are more important? v. 9
Wildlife needs to be preserved as humans are dependent on it. Some believe that the administration should spend the good amount of funds on it. However, this should not mean that other essential issues such as global warming, human health, waste management, etc. , should be ignored. I agree with the latter view. To commence with, global warming is one of the most alarming problem that needs to be addressed. The increased levels of carbon dioxide have depleted the ozone layer in the atmosphere, which has resulted in increased temperatures around the world. This increase in temperature is causing several environmental issues. For example, the melting of glaciers in the Antarctica has increased the sea levels and some of the land of the islands is submerged in it. In addition to this, it has decreased the population of polar bears that they on the verge of extinction. The other problem that is affecting the world's health, including humans and animals, is the waste management. These days, all kinds of waste are either dumped in the oceans or on the land. This pollutes the air, which everyone breathes, land, where everyone lives, and water, which everyone drinks. The sea life gets impacted by it very badly. For instance, fish assume the plastic bags to be food and eat them, which turns out to be very dangerous for them. Therefore, it is very important that the government should regulate the process of waste management. As an example, the administration must spend money to educate people, so that they can do waste segregation at their homes. To conclude, in my opinion, there are many other problems negatively impacting both humans and animals, which need the prior attention and funds from the administration. Thus, instead of only spending funds on wildlife conservation, money should be spent on these issues first.
Wildlife needs to
be preserved
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
are dependent on it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that the administration should spend the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
amount of funds on it.
However
, this should not mean that other essential issues such as global warming,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
health,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
waste
management, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter view.

To commence with, global warming is one of the most alarming problem that needs to
be addressed
. The increased levels of carbon dioxide have depleted the ozone layer in the atmosphere, which has resulted in increased temperatures around the world. This increase in temperature is causing several environmental issues.
For example
, the melting of glaciers in the Antarctica has increased the sea levels and
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
land of the islands
is submerged
in it.
In addition
to this, it has decreased the population of polar bears that they on the verge of extinction.

The other problem
that is
affecting the world's health, including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
and animals, is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
waste
management. These days, all kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
waste
are either dumped in the oceans or on the land. This pollutes the air, which everyone breathes, land, where everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, and water, which everyone drinks. The sea life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
impacted by it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
badly
.
For instance
, fish assume the plastic bags to be food and eat them, which turns out to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for them.
Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should regulate the process of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
waste
management. As an example, the administration
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
spend money to educate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
waste
segregation at their homes.

To conclude
, in my opinion, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other problems
negatively
impacting both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
and animals, which need the prior attention and funds from the administration.
Thus
,
instead
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
spending funds on wildlife conservation, money should
be spent
on these issues
first
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay It is often said that governments spend too much money on projects to protect wildlife, while there are other problems that are more important? v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
8.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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