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It is more important for children to spend time outside than spending time in front of the screen, watching T.V. or playing video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It is more important for children to spend time outside than spending time in front of the screen, watching T. V. or playing video games. with this statement? OEkLd
Children spend their pastime in many, various ways. Some of them prefer to sit in front of the screens of electronic devices while others tend to go out. Both of these options let kids get some R and R, but are they equally beneficial? In my view advantages of going out greatly surpass the positives which T. V. or video games may provide. Firstly it is necessary to acknowledge that there are, indeed, some disadvantages of going outside. Consider child molesters, kidnappers or even drug dealers, all of them pose a threat to, especially, young children. While this is true, I strongly believe that it is a duty of our guardians or baby sitters to ensure kids' safety. Despite this issue there are numerous positive aspects of going out, one of them is that kids who leave their houses interact more frequently with other children, thus getting a deeper insight into skills like maintaining a conversation. This kind of youth becomes extravertic more often and is, in fact, considered more open and talkative. Before I went to my primary school I had been a perfect definition of an introvert, however, my parents have always encouraged me to play with other kids. Nowadays I have to say that I'm usually the most talkative and open-minded person in any group. Becoming, in general, a more extravertic person is not the sole benefit of going out. Children who do so are also, usually, more healthy. It shouldn't come as a surprise since they are the ones who run across the playground screaming as if they were during a fierce battle, thus they become fitter and stronger physically. On the other hand kids staying at home all the time tend to eat unhealthy and consequently become fatty due to the lack of any movement. It is essential to keep in mind all the dangers of an outside world and to make sure to minimalize, or even preferably eradict all of them if possible. However, it is far more important to realise the importance of leaving one's house, meeting other people and interacting with them. Reasons stated above are why I'm absolutely convinced that spending time outside is crucial for children.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
spend their pastime in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
, various ways.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of them prefer to sit in front of the screens of electronic devices while others tend to go out. Both of these options
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
R and R,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
are they
equally
beneficial? In my view advantages of going out
greatly
surpass the positives which T. V. or video games may provide.

Firstly
it is necessary to acknowledge that there are,
indeed
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages of going outside. Consider child molesters, kidnappers or even drug dealers, all of them pose a threat to,
especially
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. While this is true, I
strongly
believe that it is a duty of our guardians or baby sitters to ensure kids' safety.

Despite this issue there are numerous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects of going out, one of them is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
interact more
frequently
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
thus
getting a deeper insight into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
like maintaining a conversation. This kind of youth becomes
Possible spelling mistake found.
extravertic
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
and is, in fact, considered more open and talkative.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
I went to my primary school I had been a perfect definition of an introvert,
however
, my parents have always encouraged me to play with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. Nowadays I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
say that I'm
usually
the most talkative and open-minded person in any group.

Becoming,
in general
, a more
Possible spelling mistake found.
extravertic
person is not the sole benefit of going out.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
who do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
are
also
,
usually
, more healthy. It shouldn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
as a surprise since they are the ones who run across the playground screaming as if they were during a fierce battle,
thus
they become fitter and stronger
physically
.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
staying at home all the time tend to eat unhealthy and
consequently
become fatty due to the lack of any movement.

It is essential to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in mind all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of an outside world and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure to
Possible spelling mistake found.
minimalize
, or even
preferably
Possible spelling mistake found.
eradict
all of them if possible.
However
, it is far more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
the importance of leaving one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, meeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and interacting with them. Reasons stated above are why I'm
absolutely
convinced that spending time outside is crucial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
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IELTS essay It is more important for children to spend time outside than spending time in front of the screen, watching T. V. or playing video games. with this statement?

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
366 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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