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It is more important for a building to serve a purpose than to look beautiful. Architects should not worry about producing building as a work of art. Do you agree or disagree? v.6

It is more important for a building to serve a purpose than to look beautiful. Architects should not worry about producing building as a work of art. v. 6
I would like to talk about a favourite toy in my childhood. It was a 2 week Easter break in my 6th grade. But my parents were still working and I was getting bored as hell. My parents told me that I should find any activity or muse that could keep me busy for those 2 weeks. So, I decided to get myself a brand new gaming console. However, my parents were initially reluctant about my choice as they were aware of the potential side-effects of gaming. They were sceptical and concerned if I would fall into the notorious gaming addiction, anti-social behaviour and physical inactivity. It took me a lot of convincing to persuade them and finally, all my efforts paid off. I received a slick, matte black Xbox. It was the newest and the best game-console in the world. It had 4gb ram and 256gb storage, but still, I bought an additional 1tb external hard drive, just in case. Whenever I turned on the console by pressing the silver, round touch-sensitive power button, it shined green, which in turn made me lit up with joy. It had lived up to my expectations and I got very intrigued and mesmerized by the gaming experience. I had proved my parents wrong because I strictly adhered to my gaming hours, conversed with my friends and other fellow gamers through the headphones in Xbox. Moreover, it came with a motion sensor accessory named ‘Kinect’ which allowed me to play the games controlled by my body movements. It made me physically active too. I fell in love with this gaming toy, I felt as if I could spend my whole lifetime playing this. In fact, I still own it. This is, undoubtedly, hands down, one of the most favourite toys since my childhood years.
I would like to talk about a
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
toy in my childhood. It was a
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: "2-week"
2 week
Easter break in my 6th grade.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
were
still
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
working and
I was getting bored as hell. My
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me that I should find any activity or muse that could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
me busy for those 2 weeks.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
myself a
'brand new' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "brand-new".
brand new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
console.
However
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
were
initially
reluctant about my choice as they were aware of the potential
Did you mean "side effects" (=adverse effect, unintended consequence)? Open compounds are not hyphenated.
side-effects
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
. They were
Possible spelling mistake. 'sceptical' is British English.
sceptical
and concerned if I would fall into the notorious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
addiction, anti-social
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and physical inactivity. It took me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
convincing to persuade them and
finally
, all my efforts paid off.

I received a slick, matte black Xbox. It was the newest and the best game-console in the world. It had 4gb ram and 256gb storage,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
still
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
an additional 1tb external
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
drive,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
in case. Whenever I turned on the console by pressing the silver, round touch-sensitive power button, it shined green, which in turn made me lit up with joy. It had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
up to my expectations and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
intrigued and mesmerized by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
experience.

I had proved my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I
strictly
adhered to my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
hours, conversed with my friends and other fellow gamers through the headphones in Xbox.
Moreover
, it came with a motion sensor accessory named ‘
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kinect
’ which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
me to play the games controlled by my body movements. It made me
physically
active too.

I fell in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
with this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
toy, I felt as if I could spend my whole lifetime playing this. In fact, I
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
it. This is,
undoubtedly
, hands down, one of the most
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
toys since my childhood years.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay It is more important for a building to serve a purpose than to look beautiful. Architects should not worry about producing building as a work of art. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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