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it is important that children spend some time participating in extracurricular activities. Agree or not? v.1

it is important that children spend some time participating in extracurricular activities. Agree or not? v. 1
Many people argue that teachers play a greater role in children’s intelligence and social development than their parents. While I agree that teachers may be more influential in their students’ intelligence, I would believe parents are mainly responsible for the social development of their children. On the one hand, it is undeniable that teachers are those who have been trained to impart knowledge to their pupils in a variety of creative teaching methods. As a result, it is undoubtedly a contributing factor to the intellectual development of children. In addition, some teachers are capable of stimulating intelligence. For instance, many youngsters are interested in and become good at a particular subject because of their dedicated teachers who taught this discipline in secondary school. On the other hand, I suppose that parents have greater responsibilities for their children’s social development due to several reasons. Firstly, there is no doubt that children spend more time with their families than their teachers. Therefore, parents can monitor the activities and guide the behaviors of their child in a positive way, especially outside school hours, at weekends and during holidays. Secondly, parents can be role models for their children in a wide range of social situations. These might include how to show respects to the older people, choice of friends and proper behaviors when in public such as eating out in a restaurant. In conclusion, for all reasons mentioned above, I would maintain that teachers have more impacts on the intellectual development of school students, while parents play the major role in their children’s social development.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
play a greater role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
intelligence and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
may be more influential in their students’ intelligence, I would believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
mainly
responsible for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of their children.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
are those who have
been trained
to impart knowledge to their pupils in a variety of creative teaching methods.
As a result
, it is
undoubtedly
a contributing factor to the intellectual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
are capable of stimulating intelligence.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters
are interested
in and become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at a particular subject
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their dedicated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
who taught this discipline in secondary school.

On the other hand
, I suppose that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have greater responsibilities for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
due to several reasons.
Firstly
, there is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend more time with their families than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can monitor the activities and guide the behaviors of their child in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way,
especially
outside school hours, at weekends and during holidays.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can be role models for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
situations. These might include how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
respects to the older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, choice of friends and proper behaviors when in public such as eating out in a restaurant.

In conclusion
, for all reasons mentioned above, I would maintain that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
have more impacts on the intellectual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of school students, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play the major role in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay it is important that children spend some time participating in extracurricular activities. Agree or not? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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