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It is good idea for people to continue working at their old age. Do you agree or disagree with this view?

It is good idea for people to continue working at their old age. with this view? q05oG
In our modern society, many people hold the view that it is beneficial way for people to maintain their occupation when they get older. Personally, I totally disagree with this view because the elderly are more likely to encounter potential challenges during their work. On the one hand, many advocate the view that instead of retirement, many people would like to continue working at their old age. An explanation for is that as a matter of fact, the elderly have more real-life experience and social skills than the young people. As a result they could complete their task in more effective way than the youth who usually have less experience in dealing with unexpected situations like older people. Furthermore, many the senior consider that their health is strong enough to finish their work on schedule. For example, in japan, the older people aged over 65 still keep going on what they are working. Therefore they are able to make ends meet their lives without relying much on their offspring. On the other hand, I believe that instead of continuingtheir job, the elderly should retire. This is mainly because there is no guaranteeing that the older people could ensure their health during their work so that they can face many job pressures which have a detrimental impact on their health. Moreover, governments in most of the countries in the world increasingly are more likely to provide their citizens with many policies such as pension or even healthcare system to make sure that all of which can meet their lives as well as their health. Consequently, the government in each country should encourage their citizens to retire when they get older. In conclusion, it seems to me that although continuing working is greatly beneficial for the elderly in several way, I believe that the elderly should retire to receive some policies from the governemt.
In our modern society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hold the view that it is
Please check whether an article is missing: "a beneficial".
beneficial
way for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to maintain their occupation when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
.
Personally
, I
totally
disagree with this view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
are more likely to encounter potential challenges during their work.

On the one hand,
Possible agreement error. The noun advocate seems to be countable; consider using: "many advocates".
many advocate
the view that
instead
of retirement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would like to continue working at their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age. An explanation for is that as a matter of fact, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
have more real-life experience and social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
than the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
As a result
they could complete their task in more effective way than the youth who
usually
have less experience in dealing with unexpected situations like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
the senior consider that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to finish their work on schedule.
For example
, in japan, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aged over 65
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
going on what they are working.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
they are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
without relying much on their offspring.

On the other hand
, I believe that
instead
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
continuingtheir
job, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
should retire. This is
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is no guaranteeing that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could ensure their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
during their work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
job pressures which have a detrimental impact on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
in most of the countries in the world
increasingly
are more likely to provide their citizens with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
policies such as pension or even healthcare system to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that all of which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
as well
as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
Consequently
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in each country should encourage their citizens to retire when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that although continuing working is
greatly
beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
in several way, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
should retire to receive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
policies from the
Possible spelling mistake found.
governemt
.
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IELTS essay It is good idea for people to continue working at their old age. with this view?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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