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It is commonly believed that nowadays main factors that affect a child's development are media, pop culture and friends. A different point of view is that family plays the most significant role. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is commonly believed that nowadays main factors that affect a child's development are media, pop culture and friends. A different point of view is that family plays the most significant role. el1A
Many people claim that social factors such as media, music, and peers have major influence on children’s development. Although that argument is convincing in some aspects, I firmly believe that family has a vital contribution in the formation of a child’s growth. Since children have more and more opportunities to access mass information and develop social relationships, their characteristics are also affected by those ones. A large number of teenagers spend much time on browsing the Internet to read news, watch videos, and listen to music. As a result, they tend to catch up with the latest trend and become obsessed with it. In addition, the bandwagon effect is also another phenomenon happening when kids enjoy their group of friends' company. Because they want to share in common, talk together about the same fascinating topics. . . , they are willing to copy others. Hence, they can assimilate into a community and become a part of it. On the other hand, family also takes an essential part in developing a child’s personality in many ways. First of all, each family has a religious ritual, distinct tradition, which has been passed down from ancestors to the next generation for several years. The children in that family are required to follow and preserve those specialized values as a responsibility. Secondly, children’s habits can be created when they imitate adults by observing their actions and attitudes. For example, a kid will lower his head when greeting elders or receive objects by both hands if he sees his parents have done so. Therefore, parents should attach special importance to education for children at home so they will have good manners and behaviors For several reasons mentioned in this essay, it seems to me that family is the most prominent factor affecting a child’s development.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that social factors such as media, music, and peers have major influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
development. Although that argument is convincing in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
aspects, I
firmly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has a vital contribution in the formation of a child’s growth.

Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have more and more opportunities to access mass information and develop social relationships, their characteristics are
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by
This phrase is probably grammatically incorrect. Write "those" instead.
those ones
.
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
A large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
spend much time on browsing the Internet to read news,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
videos, and listen to music.
As a result
, they tend to catch up with the latest trend and become obsessed with it.
In addition
, the bandwagon effect is
also
another phenomenon happening when kids enjoy their group of friends'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they want to share in common, talk together about the same fascinating topics.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Loose punctuation mark.
,
they are willing to copy others.
Hence
, they can assimilate into a community and become a part of it.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
also
takes an essential part in developing a child’s personality in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has a religious ritual, distinct tradition, which has
been passed
down from ancestors to the
next
generation for several years. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
are required
to follow and preserve those specialized values as a responsibility.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
habits can
be created
when they imitate adults by observing their actions and attitudes.
For example
, a kid will lower his head when greeting elders or receive objects by both hands if he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
his parents have done
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
Therefore
, parents should attach special importance to education for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they will have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
manners and behaviors

For several reasons mentioned in this essay, it seems to me that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is the most prominent factor affecting a child’s development.

IELTS essay It is commonly believed that nowadays main factors that affect a child's development are media, pop culture and friends. A different point of view is that family plays the most significant role.

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
300 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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