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It is better to be happy than rich. Do you agree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v.1

It is better to be happy than rich. Do you agree? v. 1
Though few believe that the younger generation should have the freedom to take decisions on their own, nevertheless there are others who think these decisions must be taken with the aid of their father and mother. In my opinion, I believe it is wise to discuss matters with elders, as they have more practical experiences than the young ones. On the one hand, these days, many encourages children to make choices, right from their young age. Because parents believe that it would benefit them in their future endeavours, they are let to choose on their own. For instance, at school, kids are allowed to choose subjects of their interest and parents do not intervene in this matter. This foundation in fact helps them to take better decisions, once they start their career life, with confidence. On the other hand, some think that the parents should take part in the decision-making process of their children. When a vital situation comes up, it seems to be necessary when the child alone is unable to come to a conclusion. For example, if a youngster is emotionally down, it is best advisable to confide with the parents to find a solution.  Father and mother who raised them up would be able to tackle any of their issues and would be able to come up with a perfect solution. Finally, in my opinion, I believe it is always best to seek parental advice while one is young. The reason being, with the vast life experiences that they have, they would be able to provide their children proper guidance. In addition to it, they would always look at the interest of their offsprings also before getting into a conclusion. To conclude, even though some people believe it is up to the younger generation to take their own decision, there are others who feel parents should also involve in making the right decision. I believe, with the practical knowledge that parents have, it would be preferable to include parents in the process of deciding something.
Though few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the younger generation should have the freedom to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
,
nevertheless
there are others who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
with the aid of their father and mother. In my opinion, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
it is wise to discuss matters with elders, as they have more practical experiences than the young ones.

On the one hand, these days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
encourages children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
choices, right from their young age.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it would benefit them in their future
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavours' is British English.
endeavours
, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
to choose on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
For instance
, at school, kids are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to choose subjects of their interest and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
do not intervene in this matter. This foundation in fact 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to take better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
, once they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their career life, with confidence.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in the decision-making process of their children. When a vital situation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
up, it seems to be necessary when the child alone is unable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to a conclusion.
For example
, if a youngster is
emotionally
down, it
A determiner is probably missing here: "is the best".
is best
advisable to confide with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to find a solution.  Father and mother who raised them up would be able to tackle any of their issues and would be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with a perfect solution.

Finally
, in my opinion, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
it is always best to seek parental advice while one is young. The reason being, with the vast life experiences that they have, they would be able to provide their children proper guidance.
In addition
to it, they would always look at the interest of their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
getting into a conclusion.

To conclude
,
even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
it is up to the younger generation to take their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
, there are others who feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
also
involve in making the right
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
, with the practical knowledge that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have, it would be preferable to include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in the process of deciding something.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay It is better to be happy than rich. Do you agree? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
334 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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