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It is better for children if the whole families (e. g aunts, uncles and grandparents) are involved in the children’s upbringing, rather than their fathers and mothers only. Do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.4

It is better for children if the whole families (e. g aunts, uncles and grandparents) are involved in the children’s upbringing, rather than their fathers and mothers only. with this opinion? v. 4
In the modern world, many children are raised in nuclear families. However, others feel that joint families can positively affect the children’s behaviour in the future. After pondering this phenomenon, I reckon that living in extended families can be beneficial for children, because there are will be many relatives, who can give some advice for the young generation. To begin with, in a joint family, children’s upbringing becomes convenient and comfortable, as there are so many people to take care of the child. Therefore, parents can leave their children at home with their relatives, because they know that he/she will be taken care of, fed properly and even made sure that homework is completed. To illustrate, It gives an opportunity to not worry about your child, during the working process, because there are will be a person, who can take care of the child, in case of trouble or bad circumstances. Secondly, living in an extended family can develop children’s soft skills, such as communication with friends and collaborate with their peers. For instance, Due to interesting games with their cousins, brothers and siblings, they can develop their cognitive skills. On the other hand, living in a nuclear family and not involving many relatives in upbringing children can be beneficial for the children, because they can communicate with their parents more closely. That is to say, they can become a close friend with their parents. Consequently, they can share their ideas and express their opinions with their parents independently. For example, many children in one-child families can share their secrets with their parents. Secondly, there is an opinion that children in nuclear families can realize their potential more frequently than the children in the extended families, because their parents can pay more attention on the performance of their children. For example, they give their children to extra classes and sport sections. As a result, they will have more opportunities to become a successful person in the future. In conclusion, although many people tend to think that upbringing children without the help of the whole families is a viable option, personally, I believe that raising children a joint family is essential for children, because they can develop their interpersonal skills.
In the modern world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are raised
in nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
However
, others feel that joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
can
positively
affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in the future. After pondering this phenomenon, I reckon that living in extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
can be beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
relatives, who can give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advice for the young generation.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in a joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
upbringing becomes convenient and comfortable, as there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to take care of the child.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at home with their relatives,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they know that he/she will
be taken
care of, fed
properly
and even made sure that homework
is completed
. To illustrate, It gives an opportunity to not worry about your child, during the working process,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are will be a person, who can take care of the child, in case of trouble or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
circumstances.
Secondly
, living in an extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
can develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, such as communication with friends and collaborate with their peers.
For instance
, Due to interesting games with their cousins, brothers and siblings, they can develop their cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

On the other hand
, living in a nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and not involving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
relatives in upbringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can be beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can communicate with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
more
closely
.
That is
to say, they can become a close friend with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Consequently
, they can share their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and express their opinions with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
independently
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in one-child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
can share their secrets with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Secondly
, there is an opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
can realize their potential more
frequently
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can pay more attention on the performance of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For example
, they give their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to extra classes and sport sections.
As a result
, they will have more opportunities to become a successful person in the future.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that upbringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
without the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
is a viable option,
personally
, I believe that raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can develop their interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay It is better for children if the whole families (e. g aunts, uncles and grandparents) are involved in the children’s upbringing, rather than their fathers and mothers only. with this opinion? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
369 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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