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Many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced? v.7

Many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced? v. 7
One of the problems concerning doctors nowadays is the increasing number of children and adolescents playing computer games, which contributes to adverse health effects, both physically and mentally. In order to solve this, some measures must be taken by families as well as societies. The habit of playing computer games excessively leads to severe consequences. Firstly, they cause young people to be addicted to gaming, thus, forsaking their social lives and spending all their leisure time in isolation. For example, gamers tend to stay in their rooms all the time instead of going out with their friends or families. This behaviour leads to mental health issues, such as, depression and social anxiety. Secondly, the heavy reliance on computer games promotes a sedentary lifestyle, this in itself causes children and adolescents to suffer from obesity and weight gain. To solve this problem, families and local communities must interfere. Children must be taught from a young age by their families that excessive gaming is not a useful pursuit, and should be taught and encouraged instead to find beneficial hobbies. For instance, socializing with peers who are well brought-up, volunteering, reading, or exercising. Moreover, local communities must also share the responsibility and provide fulfilling means of entertainment for the young generation. In other words, if communities provided more volunteering opportunities, exhibitions, sporting events, or festivals, children and young people would be encouraged to take part in those activities. In conclusion, children and young adults should be dissuaded from forsaking their social lives for the sake of playing computer games both by their families and society. Such behaviour is detrimental to their health and personal growth and can affect their development into balanced adults in the future, which will in turn have severe consequences on their careers and future lives.
One of the problems concerning doctors nowadays is the increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and adolescents playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, which contributes to adverse health effects, both
physically
and mentally. In order to solve this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
as well
as societies.

The habit of playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
excessively
leads to severe consequences.
Firstly
, they cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
be addicted
to gaming,
thus
, forsaking their social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and spending all their leisure time in isolation.
For example
, gamers tend to stay in their rooms all the time
instead
of going out with their friends or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. This
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
leads to mental health issues, such as, depression and social anxiety.
Secondly
, the heavy reliance on computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
promotes a sedentary lifestyle, this in itself causes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and adolescents to suffer from obesity and weight gain.

To solve this problem,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and local communities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
interfere.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taught
from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
age by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
that excessive gaming is not a useful pursuit, and should
be taught
and encouraged
instead
to find beneficial hobbies.
For instance
, socializing with peers who are well brought-up, volunteering, reading, or exercising.
Moreover
, local communities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
share the responsibility and provide fulfilling means of entertainment for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation.
In other words
, if communities provided more volunteering opportunities, exhibitions, sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, or festivals,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would
be encouraged
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in those activities.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults should
be dissuaded
from forsaking their social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
for the sake of playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
both by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and society. Such
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is detrimental to their health and personal growth and can affect their development into balanced adults in the future, which will in turn have severe consequences on their careers and future
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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