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Is it necessary for the schools to teach behaviour in addition to the formaleducation? Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Is it necessary for the schools to teach behaviour in addition to the formaleducation? v. 1
Nowadays, it is undeniable that online purchasing is prevail due to its convenience and simplicity. Although consumers benefit from this, there have been surely adverse effects on our environment and increasing unemployment rate. This essay will discuss these key issues. To begin with, there is ample evidence that online trades have created more waste and garbage, worsen air pollution, and renders more traffic congestion. The reason behind this is twofold, firstly, online retailers places more foams and wrapping paper in cardboard boxes to ensure goods deliver to buyers’ address safely, which subsequently create excessive waste and garbage for buyers and government to dispose. Secondly, one of the advantages of online shopping is that cargoes will be delivered to customers’ house, which leads to numerous driving to the truck driver and consumption of substantial amounts of petroleum. Having so many deliveries, the online retailer such as Amazon or Ebay worsen traffic congestion and increase the carbon dioxide emissions. An extensive survey by Washington University showed that delivering companies like UPS and DHL reveal that their gas expenses of 2010-2020 have increased 40% compared to the last decade. Furthermore, although online trades have helped lots of brands expanding their market share, there are still employees losing their jobs since the reality stores are closing and cutting their renting cost of the brands. Such phenomenon and business strategy lead to an increasing unemployment rate for the basic level stuff, like store sales, janitor and cashier. In the short term, there might be some unemployed people who go to steal or rob, endanger the society’s safety and stability. An illustration of this is that there is an increasing crime rate in Canada after the bay closed its multiple stores last year. In conclusion, online shopping created more packaging waste and garbage for government to deal with more energy and machines, more deliveries worsen air pollution and traffic congestion, and an increasing rate of unemployment.
Nowadays, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
purchasing is
Consider using a past participle here: "prevailed".
prevail
due to its convenience and simplicity. Although consumers benefit from this, there have been
surely
adverse effects on our environment and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
unemployment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
. This essay will discuss these key issues.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there is ample evidence that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
trades have created more waste and garbage, worsen air pollution, and renders more traffic congestion. The reason behind this is twofold,
firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
retailers places more foams and wrapping paper in cardboard boxes to ensure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
deliver to buyers’ address
safely
, which
subsequently
create excessive waste and garbage for buyers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to dispose.
Secondly
, one of the advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shopping is that cargoes will
be delivered
to customers’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, which leads to numerous driving to the truck driver and consumption of substantial amounts of petroleum. Having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
deliveries, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
retailer such as Amazon or
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ebay
worsen traffic congestion and increase the carbon dioxide emissions. An extensive survey by Washington University
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that delivering
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
like UPS and DHL reveal that their gas expenses of 2010-2020 have increased 40% compared to the last decade.

Furthermore
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
trades have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
lots of brands expanding their market share, there are
still
employees losing their jobs since the reality stores are closing and cutting their renting cost of the brands. Such phenomenon and business strategy lead to an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
unemployment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
for the basic level stuff, like store sales, janitor and cashier. In the short term, there might be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unemployed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who go to steal or rob, endanger the society’s safety and stability. An illustration of this is that there is an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
in Canada after the bay closed its multiple stores last year.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shopping created more packaging waste and garbage for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to deal with more energy and machines, more deliveries worsen air pollution and traffic congestion, and an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of unemployment.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Is it necessary for the schools to teach behaviour in addition to the formaleducation? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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