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The pie charts and table give information about the total value sources of fish imported to the US between 1988 and 2000. v.1

The pie charts and table give information about the total value sources of fish imported to the US between 1988 and 2000. v. 1
It is a fact that the world’s population is increasing day to day. Now, the community of some countries building of a large number of young adults rather than old people. In this essay, I will explain why I believe the benefits of this situation outweigh the drawbacks. One of the problems with a young adult population is they might be not experienced as older people including their professions. To illustrate this, people with longer backgrounds more likely to beware of the risks and many possibilities. This knowledge leads them to be more successful in their area instead of unbaked employees or employers. Therefore, this imbalance also means that these countries’ life expectancy is decreased. To make it clear, if there are more young people than senior citizens this means people are starting to dying at earlier ages and this should take into consider as a disadvantage. On the other hand, young adults are building blocks of the workforce in every country. Some significant reason for this is, mostly they are done with student life and started their career in these ages and they are being preferred more than older folks because of their strength and energy. Also, they are at the summit of their fertility and this is important for sustainability of the country’s society because less citizens mean less working or trading and this leading to weaker economies. In conclusion, although the young adults are less experienced, they are crucial to a country’s economy and sustainability because unlike the most of the seniors they are active in business life and building the younger generations.
It is a fact that the world’s population is increasing day to day.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, the community of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
building of
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In this essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why I believe the benefits of this situation outweigh the drawbacks.

One of the problems with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adult population is they might be not experienced as older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
including their professions. To illustrate this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with longer backgrounds more likely to beware of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
possibilities. This knowledge leads them to be more successful in their area
instead
of unbaked employees or employers.
Therefore
, this imbalance
also
means that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries’
life expectancy
is decreased
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
, if there are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than senior citizens this means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are starting to dying at earlier ages and this should take into consider as a disadvantage.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are building blocks of the workforce in every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
significant reason for this is,
mostly
they
are done
with student life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
their career in these
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
ages and
they are
being preferred
more than older folks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their strength and energy.
Also
, they are at the summit of their fertility and this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for sustainability of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun citizens is countable.
less
citizens mean less working or trading and this leading to weaker economies.

In conclusion
, although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are less experienced, they are crucial to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
economy and sustainability
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
unlike the most of the seniors they are active in business life and building the younger generations.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie charts and table give information about the total value sources of fish imported to the US between 1988 and 2000. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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