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In many countries the governement spends a lot of money on the internet network. Some people believe it isn't a right decision. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

In many countries the governement spends a lot of money on the internet network. Some people believe it isn't a right decision. v. 1
In recent years, an increasing number of teenagers are becoming addicts of computers and other cutting-edge devices, which has various interesting factors in children. However, this phenomenon has several indisputable drawbacks and has critical influence on growing adolescents. To begin with, it is needless to say that spending a lot of time playing computer will make children unhealthy. Nowadays, many children are readily exposed to the diverse equipments, including laptop, smartphone and iPad and so on. And, they are inclined to enjoy playing games by using their own devices rather than exercising. So, it naturally leads to the sedentary lifestyle by means of sitting in the chair for a long while. Also, the computer emitting voluminous electromagnetic waves will make kids' sight deterioration. According to a recent survey, in the modern world, a lot of teenagers have undergone the obesity in that they do not exercise at all. Another point worth mentioning is that the children spending much time watching videos in front of the computer are liable to be a weak-minded person, which do not involve any outdoor activities. On top of that, they cannot be proficient in managing their human relationship among their peer group. It eventually results in forming them who have extremely passive personalities. Furthermore, children totally indulging in the computer have less cognitive ability as well as language level in the sense that they do not want to communicate with anyone and focus on their computer games. For instance, as widely reported, the increase in unsuitable students from their school life has been becoming higher and there are a lot of parents who have found out other alternative schools or home schoolings, instead of sending their children to the general school. In conclusion, computer makes our quality of lives enhance undoubtedly. However, I firmly of the opinion that the computer has substantial a number of adverse impacts on growing children
In recent years, an increasing number of
teenagers
are becoming addicts of computers and other cutting-edge devices, which has various interesting factors in
children
.
However
, this phenomenon has several indisputable drawbacks and has critical influence on growing adolescents.

To
begin
with, it is needless to say that spending
a lot of
time playing computer will
make
children
unhealthy. Nowadays,
many
children
are
readily
exposed to the diverse equipments, including laptop, smartphone and iPad and
so
on. And, they
are inclined
to enjoy playing games by using their
own
devices
rather
than exercising.
So
, it
naturally
leads to the sedentary lifestyle by means of sitting in the chair for a long while.
Also
, the computer emitting voluminous electromagnetic waves will
make
kids' sight deterioration. According to a recent survey, in the modern world,
a lot of
teenagers
have undergone the obesity in that they do not exercise at all.

Another point worth mentioning is that the
children
spending much time watching videos in front of the computer are liable to be a weak-minded person, which do not involve any outdoor activities.
On top of that
, they cannot be proficient in managing their human relationship among their peer group. It
eventually
results in forming them who have
extremely
passive personalities.
Furthermore
,
children
totally
indulging
in the computer
have less cognitive ability
as well
as language level in the sense that they do not want to communicate with anyone and focus on their computer games.
For instance
, as
widely
reported, the increase in unsuitable students from their school life has been becoming higher and there are
a lot of
parents who have found out other alternative schools or home
schoolings
,
instead
of sending their
children
to the general school.

In conclusion
, computer
makes
our quality of
lives
enhance
undoubtedly
.
However
, I
firmly
of the opinion that the computer has substantial a number of adverse impacts on growing
children
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries the governement spends a lot of money on the internet network. Some people believe it isn't a right decision. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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