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Is it good for children to start using computers from an early age and spend long hours on them? Discuss the advantages and disadvantages. v.1

Is it good for children to start using computers from an early age and spend long hours on them? Discuss the advantages and disadvantages. v. 1
Computers have become the necessity of 21th century generation kids. All jobs require elementary knowledge of computer operations and fundamentals. Moreover, computer skills are mandatory in school curriculum. Kids now-a-days are not only eager but are extraordinarily skilled in computers. However, they tend to spend long hours in front the screen deteriorating their physical and mental health. In this essay, I will be focusing on both merits and demerits of using this electronic device for stretched hours. Having proficiency in this facility opens multiple opportunities for a career growth. Hence alluring parents to enrol their child in computer courses. Online trainings have a vast range of information regarding any topic and various means to educate a kid easily and conveniently. Interesting Vocal and practical methods help children grasp concepts easily and they glue to the system for uncountable hours. The Study suggests that video games and online exposure have made new generation more versatile and smart. In the name of technology and advancement kids use laptops and personal computers all day long, whether playing online games or taking online tutorials. This advancement is taking them one step ahead of other kids of their generation, but killing their health in return. It has been studied that juveniles of age 12-19 are less social now and prefer to be engaged in their own stuff. Children are facing anxiety and depression in early age. They are dealing with emotional illness and If not taken proper care they get suicidal. In a nutshell, Computer systems are invented for the sky-high development of humankind, However its meaningful and efficient use is on us. We should never ignore the hazardous effects of the rays it emits. Kids must learn and grow, but the time spent should be restricted.
Computers have become the necessity of
Please check the suffix, if this is an ordinal number.
21th
century generation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. All jobs require elementary knowledge of computer operations and fundamentals.
Moreover
, computer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are mandatory in school curriculum.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
-a-days are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
eager
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
are
extraordinarily
skilled in computers.
However
, they tend to spend long hours in front the screen deteriorating their physical and mental health. In this essay, I will be focusing on both merits and demerits of using this electronic device for stretched hours.

Having proficiency in this facility opens multiple opportunities for a career growth.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
alluring parents to enrol their child in computer courses.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Online
trainings have a vast range of information regarding any topic and various means to educate a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
easily
and
conveniently
. Interesting Vocal and practical methods
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
children grasp concepts
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
easily and
they glue to the system for uncountable hours. The Study suggests that video games and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
exposure have made new generation more versatile and smart.

In the name of technology and advancement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
laptops and personal computers all day long, whether playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
games or taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
tutorials. This advancement is taking them one step ahead of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
of their generation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
killing their health in return. It has
been studied
that juveniles of age 12-19 are less social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
and prefer to
be engaged
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
stuff. Children are facing anxiety and depression in early age. They are dealing with emotional illness and If not taken proper care they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
suicidal.

In a nutshell, Computer systems
are invented
for the sky-high development of humankind,
However
its meaningful and efficient
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
is on us. We should never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the hazardous effects of the rays it emits.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
learn and grow,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the time spent should
be restricted
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Is it good for children to start using computers from an early age and spend long hours on them? Discuss the advantages and disadvantages. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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